A couple of things have happened in the last week that have brought up *all* of the old infertility feelings.
The ones that have been there, but have been bearable.
The ones that will never really go away, but that weren’t seriously affecting my daily activities.
And now… they’re back. In all of their full glory.
Along with missing the foster girls we had.
I know it won’t be this bad forever, but it’s bad right now.
Infertility seriously sucks.
So… I found out today that my husband didn’t get yet
another job that he interviewed for. *sigh* I really wish something
would work out for him! He needs it for his self-esteem, and we
need it to be able to pay rent and mortgage every month. Have I
mentioned that I hate money? We have a million and one questions to
answer for our fost-adopt application autobiography, and I have to
sign us up for the foster care class. But I still don’t want to
take any kids until my husband has a job. Please, God? I want to be
the primary caregiver, even if I’m working; I don’t want my husband
to have to do it. We just made it through the fifth Christmas that
we could have had a child. I never thought we would have to wait
this long. Why? I’m just so tired of all of this. I just want a
baby.
Not a very exciting day today. I had almost nothing to do at work, so I was a little bored, but I did cross some things off of my to-do list that have been on there forever. And in the afternoon, I got to go and just hang out with a few kids, and play games with them, so that was fun.
I have been so tired lately. It seems like no matter how much sleep I get, I still can’t get up in the morning. Usually it’s a “time of the month” thing, but that has come and gone, and I’m still exhausted. Maybe the changing of seasons? Maybe the recent changing of almost everything else in my life? Who knows. I’m tired of being tired though.
Still haven’t heard anything about my husband’s job… I’m starting to lose hope. I think he is too. I feel kind of bad for dragging him here with me, when he doesn’t have a job yet. I know he’s not very happy here, and I feel a little like it’s my fault.
I need some fun and exciting news to share on here… enough of the doom and gloom!
It seems like a lot of people have been doing a month of blogging lately. I’m a little too ADHD to promise to blog every day for a whole month, but I’m going to try to do it for twelve days. Why twelve? Just because it’s my favorite number.
So… my husband and I moved at the beginning of October. And we’re *mostly* settled in. I’m really enjoying my new job; my husband is still looking. Last week I contacted a local foster/adoption agency to get information about the process to get licensed through them. We’re living in a small county, so apparently there are only three agencies we can choose from. I work for one of the agencies, so that one is out. I haven’t heard great things about the second, so the one I contacted is kind of our only option. Fortunately, after talking with the guy on the phone, I have a good feeling about the agency. They mailed us some information. And an application. I’m not sure when we’ll actually send it back in, but at least we have it. My husband had a job interview yesterday. If he gets the job, I think we’ll send the application in soon. I want to feel like we’re moving forward again.
I’ve been telling everyone else in my life, so it seems like I should post it here too. I got offered a job in a city about two and a half hours away from where we are now. It’s the same kind of job I had before, and I’m really looking forward to being back to work. It means we’ll have to go through the whole foster care licensing process again, but it also means getting away from the place where I went through so much grief about infertility. A new place, a fresh start. I’m hoping it will be a good thing.
I keep meaning to write about everything going on with our foster placement – the six year old girl we have just recently started having weekend visits with her mom – but for some reason I just haven’t sat down to do it.
For today though, I’m writing about the newest addition to our household… Diego. He’s the kitten of a stray cat we feed. I found him up in the tree of our front yard a couple days ago. In theory, we’re only keeping him until we can find him a home, but I’m falling in love. Today he started to purr when I pet him and he has started to play with toys (the first couple days he just sat in the back corner of the cat carrier we have open for him to sleep/hide in). We really don’t need another cat, but I’m kind of hoping my husband gets attached too. And then maybe he can become a permanent member of the family.
My husband had a job interview yesterday. He’s currently employed, but not in the area his education is in, and he has been looking for a new job for about a year without much luck. The interview was in a city about two and a half hours from where we currently live, and he mostly decided to go to the interview for practice. However, he feels like the interview went really well. And if he was actually offered the job, we would have some hard decisions to make.
Both my husband and I have lived most of our lives in the area we currently live in. Almost all of our immediate family still live in this area as well. Picking up and moving would be hard to do. It would also mean having to figure out what to do with the house we’re living in (which we just bought about a year ago). And it would mean having to start all over again with foster care certification. Another delay in getting a baby.
And yet…
I’m actually a little excited thinking about the possibility of change. I haven’t been able to find another job where we’re living. We still don’t have a baby. For the last six months (at least) it has seemed like every door of possible opportunity and forward movement has been shut and locked in our faces. Maybe we’re supposed to be going in this new direction. Maybe?
Or maybe I’m just desperately looking for some way to make sense of everything else that *hasn’t* been happening for us.
At any rate, he should find out about the job by next Wednesday.
My lap was last Wednesday. They found some endometriosis… hopefully the surgery will help with the cramps? Nice to know there’s one more issue that could have played into the difficulty in getting pregnant. Or something.
What I really want to write about is the nurse who did most of my pre-op stuff.
First, she was going through all the basic questions… smoke? “no”, drink? “sometimes”, pregnant? “No!”. She told me I said it with conviction. I said, “Infertility.” She proceeded to tell me about her friend, who just had her baby, that was conceived after treatment cycles failed, the couple gave up, and relaxation ensued. Of course. The nurse then told me all about how she told her friend all along that she just needed to relax and “have fun with it.”
I decided to let it go. I passed her off as being clueless, and told myself at least it was a good momentary distraction from being freaked out about the surgery.
Apparently though, her ignorance was just warming up. She came back a little while later and was looking through some of my medical history. I used the infertility clinic through my HMO, so all of my infertility medical info is connected with the rest of my chart.
The nurse comments, “Wow! You’re really young not to have any eggs!”
I think: Seriously? Yes, my FSH is high and I’m only 31 (29 at the time it was measured), but that really doesn’t mean I don’t have any eggs. Is she *actually* saying this to me? I say, “Yeah.”
She says… “I really need to get my FSH checked because I want to have one more baby and I’m old. I didn’t have my first one until I was 40, but the doctor told me then that I still had plenty of eggs and plenty of time to have more kids.”
Seriously?!?
I’m surprised my jaw didn’t fall on the floor, I was so shocked that she said that. She needs to go to sensitivity training, or something. How on earth can people be so dense?
*****
In other news, I’m still unemployed and we’re still waiting for another foster placement. I’m planning to wait for a baby this time. There’s a five year old foster girl that we watched for just over a week who could potentially be placed with us longer term. I’m completely in love with her and I’m hoping we get her for a while at least. There’s some chance she’ll be going back home though. (We’re licensed for two, so we could take her and still wait for a baby.)
I’m still having horrible cramps, which seem to be getting worse, and I really don’t want to continue with the birth control pills. So, since I’m not working now and don’t have much to do anyway, I decided I’m going to go in for a lap. It’s on 6/30. Maybe they’ll find some endometriosis and get rid of it and that will help with the cramps? Hopefully…
I’m a little nervous about it. I’ve had surgery before, but not since I was about 8 (?), and I don’t remember much of it. (I had my tonsils taken out and all I remember is getting paid a nickel for every sip of juice that I took.) Can anyone who has had a lap done tell me what I should expect? Especially what I should expect after the surgery? I can be kind of a wimp when it comes to pain.
Kind of funny that I’m doing this after we’ve stopped trying to get pregnant. Too bad getting rid of endo can’t fix our dismal sperm count. Or my FSH.
Wow. It has been forever and a day since I have posted anything. I haven’t been keeping up with other people’s blogs either. I’m being a very bad blogger.
Major life occurrences since my last post:
1) Our two girls left. On Mother’s day, no less. They went to live with family, which is good. We got to meet the family, and we really liked them, which is good. We knew it was going to be a short-term placement. But I’m way too used to hoping for the impossible, and so of course I had some hope that the family thing wouldn’t work out, and that maybe the girls would stay with us. So I ended up sad and disappointed.
2) I was laid off from my job. That I absolutely loved… well, except for all the paperwork and the high amounts of stress… I don’t know the reason I was picked to be laid off, but I’m guessing infertility might have had something to do with it, since it kinda-sorta had an impact on my job performance. I actually started at that job the same month we started at the fertility clinic. I’m not sure what the plan is now. I’m technically looking for another job, but I’m not really sure if I want another one like the one I had. I might try to find something a little different, with less paperwork and less stress. And then, since I’ll be so much more relaxed, I’ll get pregnant… ha, ha.
We’re back on the list for taking another placement. I’m planning to wait for a baby this time. I loved having the girls, but I still feel so sad and bitter whenever I see a woman with a baby. I need to have my turn.
Anyway… since I have LOTS of free time these days, I’m going to try to actually get caught up on blog stuff…
Back into the fire 