Archive for February, 2008


Depression sucks

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Last week I noticed I was really tired- like exhausted, can’t get out of bed, don’t want to do anything tired.  It’s the kind of tiredness that usually goes along with my being depressed.  Toward the end of the week last week I kind of realized that.  And I thought to myself, “Wow, I’m completely exhausted and I’m NOT depressed.  Maybe things are getting better.”  Wrong!  I kind of got slammed with the depression on Sunday.  I was on the worship team at church last weekend and I made it through the whole first service doing just fine.  And part way through the second service I was crying.  And I have absolutely no idea why (okay, there are lots of things in my life that I could cry about, but none of them seemed to be the immediate cause).  I cried on and off during the service.  I cried Sunday night.  I cried Monday night.  I actually made it through most of Tuesday without crying.  On Wednesday I learned that I can do paperwork and cry at the same time (it’s a really good thing I have my own office and I can go in there and close the door). 

I honestly have no idea what triggered the depression.  Infertility?  Stress at work?  Family stuff?  All of the above?  It’s not anything new- I go up and down a lot.  I could almost be bipolar except that my “normal” is mildly depressed and my “manic” is probably about normal for everyone else.

My journey through severe depression that began about 10 years ago was hard.  Really hard.  I’m still not all the way through it, but I think the worst is over.  And as sad as it is, that journey is the reason I know I’ll make it through infertility.  Infertility has been just as hard, if not harder, than that time in my life.  Very different struggles, but each carries so much pain.  I really do feel like I’ve been thrown “Back into the fire” in dealing with infertility. 

I haven’t quite decided if it’s a good thing that I know I’ll get through the hell of infertility.  I see other people struggling with IF who don’t have that knowledge and I’m sure it makes it harder.  But at the same time it sucks that I have enough experience with hell to already know I’ll get through somehow.  I shouldn’t have to have that knowledge already.  And once people have learned that they can make it through the hard times it doesn’t seem fair that they should have to go through even more.

Anyway, I’m depressed.  It sucks.  But it will eventually go away, and I’ve gotten good at surviving.


In denial

Saturday, February 23, 2008

It’s starting to feel like everyone else in my life is in denial about us needing to do IVF/ICSI.  I get so many of the “Maybe it will still happen” comments.  From DH, my mom, well-meaning friends.  But telling me that *maybe* it will happen naturally doesn’t help!  I know it’s true- there is a (VERY) small chance that we could get pregnant on our own- but how long am I supposed to wait for that *maybe* to happen?  Why can’t everyone else just accept that there’s a problem, that we need to do IVF, and then help me figure out how to get there? 

I actually talked to my husband about this a little last night.  I know part of the reason he’s in denial is because he feels bad that we have to go through all of this because his body isn’t cooperating.  I get that.  But there was just as much of a chance that it could have been something wrong with me and we could have ended up on the same path that way.  I don’t really care how we got here- we’re here and I need his help to move forward.  Especially since saving up for IVF means making sacrifices in other areas.

Is it weird that I’m so tired of being offered hope and “encouragement”?  I don’t want people to tell me that maybe we’ll get a miracle, that God will get me through it, or that everything will work out.  We probably won’t get a miracle, I know God will get me through it, and everything might not work out.  And if it doesn’t God will get me through that too. 

I guess hoping for a miracle doesn’t mean we can’t actively work toward IVF too- it just feels that way when everyone else is onlytalking about miracles and not saying anything about IVF.


I have a love/hate relationship

Friday, February 22, 2008

With my job.  I truly love what I do (I’m a therapist and right now I’m working with kids/teens).  I like being able to feel like I’m making a difference.  I like being able to support the parents and teach them about whatever problems their kids are having (ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc).  And I love getting to have that deeper conncetion with people on a regular basis.

But the paperwork . . . the paperwork is kicking my butt!  I work for a non-profit agency and all of our services are MediCal funded.  Which means lots of documentation.  LOTS of documentation.  And being a little (maybe more than a little) ADD myself, staying on top of the paperwork and getting myself to stay focused long enough to get it all done is sometimes impossible.  So I have no life.  Because I’m spending all of my time trying to get caught up at work.  I’m tired, I’m very burned out on paperwork, and I really want my life back.  I’m hoping that next month will be better . . .

The other hard part about my job is that occasionally the kids I work with have much younger siblings (i.e. babies) AND most of the people I work with are at a *reproductive* age.  Right now we have two ladies out on maternity leave (both have of course brought their babies into the office for show and tell).  And I’m starting to think that someone else I work with is pregnant (and she already has two little kids!).  It’s horrible having something that everyone else is SO happy and excited about be something that makes me so sad.  I’ve gotten good at hiding out and avoiding.  And my supervisor knows about our IF and has been VERY understanding about how hard it is for me to be around other people’s babies.  So that helps.  But still- one baby in the office and there’s a good chance I won’t get much else done for the rest of the day.  *sigh*


I hate Walmart

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Seriously, I think half of the women I see in there are pregnant.  And about 75% of the pregnant ones already have little kids running around or riding in the cart.  This is one of those days when I’m feeling like it will never happen; that I will never have a kid.  And it seems so easy for everyone else.  Granted, some of those pregnant women at Walmart might have gone through IF too, so I try not to be too bitter.  But the ones who have other little kids running around?  Somehow I doubt they had any problems getting themselves knocked up.

How or earth will my husband and I ever come up with $15,000?  It seems like such a huge amount of money.  Sure, we could try to take out a loan or borrow money from family.  But I don’t think I could handle making monthly payments for years if it didn’t work.  So we’re stuck saving.  And it’s going to take a year and a half at the very least.  We’ve technically been trying for almost two years now (it will be 2 years in March) and I just started my 29th cycle of TTC yesterday.  Whoo-hoo.  I don’t know if it even counts as trying when we have no chance of getting pregnant on our own. 

My biggest fear is that we’ll save enough for IVF/ICSI (to take care of the MFI) and then they’ll discover there’s something wrong with me too.  And that we’ll have to wait even longer.  I don’t think anyone is going to care if I’m having any problems right now or not, we have no sperm, so why bother?  I’m kind of concerned about the amount of spotting I have, but neither my ob/gyn or my RE are going to care.  So whatever.

Can you tell I’m having a self-pity day? 


Family drama

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

This has absolutely nothing to do with infertility (okay, maybe it does a little bit- more on that later), but I’m stressed about it so I’m going to blog it anyway.

I am so tired of the drama in my family.  And of being the one who doesn’t get to cause any drama because I have to cushion everyone else.  So today it’s my brother.  He and his girlfriend went out of town (about an hour and a half away) for the weekend.  Today they had a fight, he walked/hitchhiked home, and now he is absolutely desperate to get back to her.  So he’s been calling my parents ALL day trying to convince them to drive him back there.  He’s whining, yelling, hanging up on people, acting very irrational, and trying to lay a really big guilt trip.  Did I mention he’s 26?  My mom gets sucked into all of it and gets really stressed and then I get to calm her down.  She actually said to me today, “I know I shouldn’t get sucked into your brothers’ problems, but I can’t help it.”  I’m thinking- that’s exactly why I can’t tell you about anything going on in my life.  I DO tell her about things, just after the fact, never in the middle of it.  She cannot handle the stress.  And I still feel the need to protect her some.  (I’m sure I’ll blog more in about my history at some point and all of this will make more sense).

 So what does that have to do with infertility?  The fact that my parents *said* they will help us out with paying for IVF, but they keep having to bail my brother out of one problem or another.  One new engine for my his car (which he didn’t get back since the car loan is in my parents’ name and he wasn’t making payments).  One 4 week stay at a residential alcohol addiction rehab center.  And a million other little things.  I get kind of mad that they are so busy helping him that they don’t have any money to give me.  Of course I can never say that, but that’s how I’ve been feeling lately.

Sometimes I wish I lived a little further away from “home”.


Beginning to blog . . .

Monday, February 11, 2008

So I *created* this blog a few weeks ago.  Many of my online friends have blogs about their struggles with infertility; I like reading all of their blogs and I like to journal, so I figured I would start a blog too.  So . . . ta-da!  Here it is. 

After I created it though, I realized I don’t have a whole lot to write about these days.  Yes, I’m going through the hell of infertility.  But we’re kind of on hold right now while we figure out how on earth we’re going to come up with $15,000 to pay for the IVF/ICSI we need to do to have any chance of getting pregnant.  I can’t exactly write about various treatments we’re going through,  the disappointment of a “failed” cycle (using whatever type of treatment), or about millions of appointments with the RE, billions of horrible side effects, etc, etc, etc. 

I was thinking about it again today though, and while there isn’t much happening on the outside (as far as us actually moving forward), there’s still a lot of internal stuff going on.  Emotionally and spiritually.  The intense sadness and sense of loss I feel whenever I’m confronted with something (pregnancy or baby) that almost everyone else is so happy and excited about.  Being forced to face the unfairness of life on a daily basis.  Asking God why He felt the need to allow me to go through this (yes, suffering is supposed to make me stronger, but haven’t I gone through enough?).  Trying to find some greater purpose in all of it because if there isn’t one, where does that leave me?

One of my special talents is starting things and not following through, so there is a good chance that this blog won’t go anywhere at all.  But if I can stick with it, maybe it will be a good place to try and sort things out.  And maybe it will somehow offer even the tiniest bit of help or comfort for someone else.

So that’s it for post #1.  Hopefully more will follow soon.