Posts Tagged ‘stress’

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Where to start . . .

Sunday, June 22, 2008

It has been almost a month since my last post.  I guess I’ve been a little depressed.  And I’ve had so much internal processing going on, I don’t really even know how to get it all out.

I made it through my first injects/IUI cycle.  I started the injects 5/30; 225iu Repronex days 3-5, 150iu Repronex days 6-8, trigger day 9, IUI day 11, luteal phase: 9 days; started my period last Tuesday.  We had almost no sperm, so I pretty much knew it wouldn’t work.  Now we’re back to waiting.  Again.  I’ll send my husband to do another semen analysis in a month or so and see where we’re at.

I’m down one medication (it’s been about 5 weeks now).  I don’t think it’s going so well.  I’ve been pretty depressed the last couple weeks.  With lots of negative thoughts.  Of course all of that could be related to everything else going on in my life and have nothing to do with the medication I’m not taking.  Who knows.  I’m so tired though.  I just want a break from everything.

I’m starting to wonder if maybe I should give up on trying to get pregnant.  Maybe it’s not supposed to happen.  (There are a few different reasons I’m starting to think that, and I’m sure I’ll write about them later.)  Just thinking about that possibility is killing me.  I feel like I’m going to break into a million pieces.  And there isn’t anything that I, or anyone else, can do about it.  I just have to keep going.

My husband got mad at me last night when I got upset about something little.  He told me that I can’t handle anything.  I told him that I am handling SO much.  All of this stupid infertility stuff, making it to work everyday, helping him with some of the things he needs to do, doing some things around the house . . .  I think I’ve said all that before, but I guess he actually heard it this time.  It was so nice having someone acknowledge how hard this is; having someone be at least a little aware of the daily struggle that goes with infertility.  I apologized to him too- I hold it together all day long for everyone else, he really does get the worst of it.

Anyway, I’m going to try to come out of my hole now and rejoin blogland.  Thank you to everyone who left me a comment in the last month.  All of the comments have helped keep me going.  I’m going to work on returning comments (and getting caught up on my regular reads) during the next week or so.

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Can I blame this on clomid too?

Friday, May 23, 2008

This week I think I’m averaging about an hour of crying per day.  Between depression and infertility it’s not completely unusual for me to have periods of time when I’m doing a lot of crying.  But an hour a day? For five days straight?  That’s way more than I’ve cried before.  So I’m blaming it on the clomid.  And telling myself next cycle will be better.  It will be better, right?

I have way too many stressors (sorry, therapist talk) in my life right now.  WAY too many.  I’m sooooo behind on paperwork for my job.  We have no money and things keep coming up to eat away at the little we do have (like needing a new alternator for one of our cars last week).  My husband is so stressed about trying to get things finished for school that I feel like I need to take care of everything else by myself.  Oh yeah, and we had another fantastic appointment with the RE this morning.

The first time I had my FSH checked it came back at 14.  Scary.  We met with the RE and my attitude was basically “we’re screwed, right?”  The RE wasn’t convinced (hence the clomid challenge test) and seemed to have more of a “let’s not panic yet” attitude.  So we went back today, to review the results from the clomid challenge test.  And the RE’s attitude was “there’s a good chance you’re screwed.”  He didn’t say that, of course.  And he’s more than willing to let us try at least one injects/IUI cycle.  And then we’ll have a better idea of how well I respond.  But when he reviewed our options, donor eggs and adoption were both on the list.  Nothing like that to instill hope.  Hearing your RE say you might end up needing to adopt.

I know we can “always” adopt.  And if we did, I know I wouldn’t have any problems loving my kid(s) or thinking of them as truly being mine.  But . . . I want to be pregnant!  I’ve wanted to be pregnant since I was in high school.  And if that isn’t going to happen it’s going to be a huge loss for me.  There’s a very real chance that I will never see a positive pregnancy test (unless it’s right after a trigger shot).  I might never get to know what it feels like to *know* that I’m pregnant.  To be terrified that it won’t stick.  To excitedly wait for an ultrasound appointment and get to take home “pictures” of my baby.  To have to deal with morning sickness, aches and pains, and clothes that keep getting smaller.  To know that, by some miracle, there is another life growing inside me.  To have that automatic and deep connection with my child.

Our current plan?  Next Friday my husband and I get to take the injections class.  And I call the first day of my next cycle to schedule an ultrasound.  And then I start injects.  And pray that my ovaries respond the way they’re supposed to.  And we at least try IUI.

We have to figure out how to come up with money for IVF too, since the IUIs aren’t likely to work.  I would like to be able to do an IVF cycle by the end of the year, before my ovaries completely fail me, but we’re barely getting by right now so it’s going to take some creativity and lots of discipline (something neither I nor my husband have very much of).

I know life isn’t fair, can I maybe get a break from the reminders?

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I am soooo grumpy!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Warning:  This is going to be a total venting post.  Full of b!tching and moaning, whining and complaining, and a whole lot of self-pity.

I am STILL dizzy and nauseous from that stupid clomid!  It’s been getting better, but I am so tired of feeling seasick all the time.  The nausea is pretty constant.  The dizziness just randomly hits me.  Often enough that I’m still feeling like I shouldn’t drive.  So I have been stuck in the house ALL weekend.  By myself, essentially.  My husband works nights on the weekend- so when he’s home, he’s asleep.  And I get to entertain myself.  That in itself is enough to drive me crazy- being by myself with limited human interaction for a whole weekend.  And when I’m not feeling good?  And feeling like I’m stuck in the house?  Not pretty.

I have been overreacting to everything.  Getting irritated and mad at whatever my husband says and does (or doesn’t say and doesn’t do).  And I’m taking everything as a personal attack.  That anything and everything bad is my fault because I’m screwing something up or not doing something well enough.  Do I get to blame all of this on the clomid too?  I would like to, but to be honest, I do this some of the time even without clomid.  Although not this bad, so maybe clomid is playing a role.  Or maybe my irritation is increased because I’m still feeling crappy clomid side effects.

I was talking to a friend yesterday.  She asked me what exactly my dream is, what I’m trying to fulfill by trying to get pregnant, trying to have kids.  My answer?  I want to be a mom.  And part (or a lot) of the reason that is so important to me is because I feel like, in a lot of ways, I didn’t have a mom.  And I’m hoping that by being a mom I can fix some of that.  Not repeat the same mistakes.  Be there for my child, make sure that he or she knows how special he/she is, how loved and cherished he/she is.  If I can give that to someone else, maybe it will help fill some of the holes in my heart in the process.  A good thing for me to think about, but NOT on Mother’s day weekend.  It’s just even more of a reminder that I’m not a mom.

Another thing I’m worried about- I reallywant to be pregnant.  I have seriously wanted to be pregnant and have a baby since I was in high school.  I know we can “always adopt”, but if I miss out on the pregnancy part of it that is going to be a HUGE loss for me.  And with my FSH high, and my husband’s low sperm count, getting me pregnant is most likely going to be a very expensive endeavor.  And we don’t have the money for it.  We won’t for a while.  And by the time we do, it might be too late.

Which leads me to worrying about money.  My husband is such an impulsive spender.  And he gets very irritated if he feels like I’m trying to *deny* him things or control him.  So I always feel like I’m walking a fine line- making sure all of the bills get paid, but trying to give my husband enough freedom so he doesn’t get upset.  I’m partly to blame, I spend impulsively too sometimes, but lately my impulsive spending has been more because I start feeling like it’s not fair that he gets to spend money and I don’t.  At this point, every extra thing we spend money on feels like money that isn’t going to pay for a baby.

Laptops.  My husband and I both have laptops that we use a LOT.  My husband is going to get a big financial aid check sometime in the next month and we’re tentatively planning to use most of it for new laptops.  Both of our current ones are dying.  Mine is almost 4 1/2 years old and the connection to the backlight for the screen isn’t working so well.  So half of the time when I open it up the screen stays black.  So far, if I close it and open it back up again it fixes itself.  But I have a feeling it’s going to get worse.  I use my laptop ALL the time for work, I really do need a new one.  But again, it feels like money that isn’t go toward fertility treatments.  The nagging voice in the back of my head is asking which is more important- a new computer or a baby?

Another thing that has been hard and stressful lately is that my husband has been depressed.  He’s almost done with his Masters degree and part of him is really fighting that.  So he avoids doing things he needs to do, he flakes out on his internship, and he spends most of his time sleeping.  I know he can finish this and get a good job, but he doesn’t believe in himself.  And that’s what is really important.  I need him to finish this degree.  I need him to get a good job.  We’re used to living off a smaller income at this point.  When he gets a good job we should be able to save a significant amount of *baby* money every month.  So at this point, him not finishing his degree feels like me never getting to be pregnant.  I haven’t told him all of this, I don’t think he needs any more pressure, I’m just trying to be supportive and encouraging and to help him with what I can.

So that’s most of what I’m stressed and worried and irritated about right now.  How is your Mother’s day weekend going?

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Not much going on or too much going on

Saturday, April 5, 2008

I’m not quite sure which. 

On the infertility front we’re just waiting.  My husband did another semen analysis yesterday (no results yet) and got his hormone levels checked again.  He stopped taking clomid a couple months ago and all of his hormone levels (FSH, LH, testosterone) have dropped down to about where they were before he started the clomid.  I started a new cycle today (yipee) so I’ll go on Monday to check FSH and estradiol again.  And then we go see the RE on Friday.  It will be good to talk about what are options are but I’m kind of dreading it too.  We just don’t have the money to do IVF right now.  And with my FSH levels so high we need to.  I think I’ve been avoiding thinking about that too much because I’ve been waiting for the appointment.  After Friday I’ll probably be a lot more stressed about it.

Money.  We’re having a hard time with that right now.  Bills are still getting paid, but we just barely have enough to live on after that (especially with gas prices!).  My younger brother is living with us and is *supposed* to be helping out with rent but he’s been unemployed since January.  So that’s income we don’t have right now.  My husband is trying to finish up school- which involves an unpaid, 25 hours/week internship.  So he’s working nights on the weekend.  He’s killing himself with all of the back and forth between days and nights.  He’ll finish his degree by June and should get a “real” job (translation: a job that pays well) starting in August or September.  We’re so used to living on a shoestring that once he gets that job we should be able to save a significant amount every month which is how we were going to save for IVF (we have no extra money to save right now).  But that might not be soon enough now.

Speaking of my brother- he’s incredibly depressed and going downhill.  Earlier this week I took him to the emergency room because I was worried he was suicidal.  Once we got there he took off on foot (the hospital we went to is close to his at-the-time-ex-girlfriend and a lot of his friends).  The police were called.  His friends were called.  About an hour later the police *apprehended* him (complete with put your hands in the air and a pat down) and brought him back to the hospital where he was placed on a hold until he could get a pysch eval.  The people who do the pysch evals won’t talk to anyone who is intoxicated and my brother was at least slightly drunk so he was there overnight.  My parents and I went home around 2:30am and I actually managed to go to work the next day.  Anyway, the psych eval guy said my brother wasn’t actively suicidal (which was true at that point- 10 the next morning) and so they couldn’t admit him to a hospital.  He was referred for county mental heelth services which have a waiting period of at least 3 months.  Great.  So he’s still living with us and I have a feeling this is really only the beginning.  Hopefully I will be proved wrong on that one.  Right now he’s back together with his girlfriend so things have been okay.  But they have a very dysfunctional “on again, off again” relationship. 

And work.  I’m so behind on paperwork.  That’s actually what I should be doing now, instead of writing this novel.  I SO wish I could figure out how to stay caught up, but it never happens.  One of the medications I’m taking is for ADD.  It helps me a lot with being able to get things done but I’ve also lost a lot of weight since being on it.  Most of the weight was okay to lose since I gained about 20 pounds from taking a different medication.  But I’m at the point where I’m really close to being underweight and even though I’ve been trying to eat more I haven’t gained any back.  I’ve read a couple things online that have said having a low BMI can *possibly* cause high FSH.  So that worries me.  Plus, I’m just not very healthy.  So I’m wondering if I should stop taking this medication for a while.  But I’m also worried about how that will affect my ability to do my job.  So that’s another thing on my mind.

I guess maybe I have too much going on.  Maybe I’m just so overwhelmed that I’m running on automatic and it almost feels like there isn’t much going on.

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Can’t sleep

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

It’s really late and I have to get up really early, but I can’t sleep.  Someone broke into my car today at work and I’m still a little freaked out about it.  The neighborhood I work in isn’t that great, but overall I’ve felt safe there.  If I’m the last one leaving and it’s dark I usually call my husband and talk to him while I walk out to my car, but I go in by myself on the weekends and a lot of the time I’m the first one there in the morning (yes, I work way too many hours).  And now I’m not so sure . . .

Whoever did it pulled out the handle on the passenger side door and was apparently going for the stereo but they couldn’t get it out (they did a good job messing up the whole panel though).  They ended up taking some random things (calcium chews and a couple of burned cds???) as well as my registration and insurance cards.  So, as my mom so nicely pointed out, this person has my address.  Which is making me even more freaked out.

Over the last few months I’ve been discovering that the more stressed I am the more paranoid I become.  Seriously, some of the things I worry about are a little ridiculous.  Like thinking that an overpass might fall on my car when I drive under it (it could happen).  Or that someone is going to break into our house.  Or that when someone gets raw meat juice on the counter and doesn’t clean it up right away that we’re all going to get food poisoning and die.  Terrible, isn’t it?  At least I’m aware that they’re not really worth stressing about (even though I stress anyway).  And none of them have actually affected the way I do things.  So I’m not totally insane.  But it has been interesting to watch.  I think half of the time the rational part of me just sits back and watches the irrational part of me totally overreact to things.  I’m not so sure the rational part always has the power to intervene though.  But being aware of my “issues” is a good first step, right?

It doesn’t help that I’ve been pretty depressed the last few days.  I swear, one of the meds I’m taking totally switched around my moods during my cycle.  I used to be exhausted and more depressed before my period, now I’m fine during that week but I totally crash the week before I ovulate.  This change started right after I started a new medication last November.  Being the good internet junkie that I am I did some research.  It turns out that the estrogen in birth control pills makes this medication less effective.  So my hypothesis is that when I have more estrogen in my system (before I ovulate) the medication doesn’t work as well.  And I tend to crash.  Hard.  So I get to increase one of the other meds in my drug cocktail to see if that helps.  Treatment resistant depression is great fun!

I know I’m totally rambling, I have that ability late at night, but I suppose I should *try* to get some sleep.  Since I have to wake up in four hours.  Yuck.  I’m making my husband drive my car tomorrow (and make all the phone calls- police report, insurance company, etc.) because I don’t think I can deal with the reminder all day.  Plus I don’t want someone else to try to break into it, now that it would be so easy to do (with the already broken door handle).  Hopefully we’ll be able to get it put back together and all fixed up quickly and then I can move on.