Archive for June, 2009

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Just because…

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The last three weeks I’ve gone to a class about attachment offered through our local foster care education program.  This poem outline was given to us as a possible tool to use when helping foster/adopted kids cope with some of their losses.  Here’s my version of it; feel free to leave your version of it in a comment- I would love to read how other people are feeling.

Just because I’m infertile,

Doesn’t mean I’m not good enough,

Doesn’t mean I’m undeserving,

Doesn’t mean I’m broken beyond repair.

I’m becoming stronger.

Just because I can’t get pregnant

Doesn’t mean I’m not happy for others,

Doesn’t mean I have to be angry and bitter,

Doesn’t mean I’m unable to see the difficulties of motherhood through another woman’s eyes.

I’m more compassionate.

Just because I’m not trying anymore,

Doesn’t mean I’m giving up,

Doesn’t mean I don’t have a right to grieve,

Doesn’t mean I will never be a mom.

I’m pushing forward.

Just because I’m choosing to parent someone else’s child,

Doesn’t mean I’m not sad,

Doesn’t mean I’m “over it”,

Doesn’t mean I’m not still hurting.

I’m taking one day at a time

Just because I’m going to be a foster mom,

Doesn’t mean I won’t experience more loss,

Doesn’t mean “my” child will forever (legally) be mine,

Doesn’t mean I’m going to love my child and less than I would love a child I gave birth to.

I’m willing to give my heart.

Just because I want to adopt,

Doesn’t mean I’m not going to mourn all the little parts of being pregnant that I’m going to miss,

Doesn’t mean my heart won’t ache when I see a pregnant belly or hear about another baby shower,

Doesn’t mean I’m done with the tears.

I’m capable of surviving the pain

I’m infertile; I can’t get pregnant.

I’m not trying anymore; I’m choosing to parent someone else’s child.

I’m going to be a foster mom, I want to adopt.

But through this journey,

I do have more strength,

I am more compassionate,

I can push forward,

I’m learning to take one day at a time,

I want to give my heart,

And, I’m capable of surviving the pain.

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routers and references

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Two things in the last few days have made me realize just how much I depend on the internet for social connectedness.

When I got home from work (really late) last Thursday, I discovered that our wireless router had died.  I have no idea *how* it died, but it was definitely non-functional.  Meaning, I had no internet access.  I seriously thought about driving to the 24 hour Starbucks that’s not far from home, just so I could check my email, and Facebook, and Google reader.  But I had already taken my sleeping pill, so I decided driving might not be such a smart idea.  I felt so disconnected from everything.

And then on Sunday, I was trying to start filling out foster care application paperwork.  And one of the forms wants references.  I have no clue who to put for those.  Since getting stuck in this infertility nightmare, I’ve withdrawn from a lot most of my “real life” friends.  Online friends have been my main source of support for the last couple years.

I guess it might be time to try to join the real world a little more.  I’m not sure if I’m ready for that though.

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insecurity

Sunday, June 7, 2009

First of all, I want to say thank you to the commenters on my last post who told me it was okay to skip the baby shower at work.  It was earlier this week, and I did skip it.  I still ended up crying, but at least I felt like I was taking care of myself.

We decided to do foster-to-adopt a few months ago.  And we’ve been on hold for a while because we were waiting to buy a house.  So the decision was made, but I wasn’t really having to actively deal with it.

We found a house.  We’re in escrow, and everything looks good, and we should be able to move in sometime in the first half of July.  And I’m supposed to start filling out the foster care license application.

Insecurity setting in.

What if I’m not “ready” for this?  I really want to, and I am excited about it, but I’m a little overwhelmed too.  I’ve been waiting over three years to have a baby, and now it might happen “just like that.”  With doing foster care, we won’t have any idea of when, or how old, or anything else. So many unknowns.

I’m also feeling kind of inferior to other moms.  I won’t have any part in the creation and formation of my child.  Doing the mommy show-and-tell just won’t be the same; my baby will be someone else’s “accomplishment” (for lack of a better word).  My child won’t even truly be mine until adoption papers are signed.  That could be a couple years, or it could be never- I might have to let “my” child go back to his or her birth family.  How do I make my child feel loved and secure, and guard my heart at the same time?

I worry about my job too.  I love my job, but it’s hard, and it takes a lot of my time and energy.  I need to find more balance in my life- I can’t be working all the time and have a baby.  I also worry what people at work are going to think about me.  My supervisor knows how much I struggle to get all of my paperwork done, I’ve already gotten in trouble for it a couple of times.  What if people at work think I’m being irresponsible, or stupid, to take on additional responsibilities (a baby) when I’m having a hard enough time doing the things that are on my plate now?  And again, doing it through foster care/adoption seems different- I’m going out of my way to have a child, it’s not something that just happened.  What if people think I’m not taking my job seriously enough?

The prospect of foster care becoming more real also means that my decision to stop trying to get pregnant is becoming more real.  And that’s bringing up a lot of the sadness again.

I just feel so unsettled and so unsure of myself.