Maybe today…

That’s what I’ve been starting out every day with.  Maybe today we’ll get a baby.  Then I spend all day checking my phone every half hour… or less.  I turn the ringer off while I’m at work, but it’s still set to beep if I get a message, so checking it all the time really isn’t necessary.  But I check anyway.  Just in case.  The way they do it here (small county) is that whenever they have a kid come in, they send out a recorded message to everyone on “the list” with basic information about the child.  And then I have an hour to call in and say I’m interested, if I want the baby.  And then they choose from the people who called back.  So checking my phone every half hour really isn’t *too* unreasonable.  Or so I tell myself.

My heart is aching for this.  I sound like a broken record, but I’m so tired of waiting.  I want to have a baby sleeping in the cradle.  I want to have my baby to hold and rock to sleep.  I want to be sleep deprived because I have to wake up feed my baby every two hours.  I even want to deal with visits and the uncertainty of whether or not my baby will stay with me forever.  Just so long as I have my baby.

Maybe tomorrow… ?

Longing and trepidation

For some reason, this weekend I’ve really had that longing for a baby.  It hasn’t been as bad since we got licensed for foster care, but this weekend has been hard.

And the fear has come with the longing.  Fear that I’m not going to be able to do this.  That I won’t be a good mom.  That I’m still too fragile after all of the wounds left by infertility.

I need to call to start the process for our adoption homestudy too… I’m even more nervous about that whole procedure.

Back on “the list”

I just found out that our paperwork went through and we’re officially back on the list for foster placements!

Yay!  🙂

Nothing in particular

I’ve kind of been in the mood to write a post recently – kind of looking for some connection, I guess – but I don’t really have much to write about. I suppose maybe that’s a good thing?

We’re still on hold with foster care, which sucks, but what can you do?  We’re waiting for some paperwork to be processed and passed on to the licensing people, and apparently they’re running behind.  I’m SO tired of waiting, but, right at this moment at least, I’m resigned.

I think a small part of me almost expects something else to go wrong with all of this.  And a small voice is telling me that maybe all of the obstacles are really just signs that I’m not supposed to be a mom.  I can rationalize a lot of that away, but not all of it.  Some of the fear remains.  Fear that this isn’t going to happen.  Fear that maybe it isn’t “meant to be”.  Fear that I may never get to have a baby, even for a short period of time.

Work is work.  I’m exhausted, but for the time being, I’m mostly caught up on stuff, which feels good.  Now I just have to stay caught up on stuff, so when baby comes I can balance work and baby.

I suppose that means I should stop blogging, and get some paperwork done.

Work problems

I just got my yearly performance evaluation at work.  I’m getting in trouble for low productivity during the last year.  My life fell apart last December, when we decided to give up on trying to get pregnant, and it took a while to pick up the pieces (go figure).  And I was going through pretty severe depression for most of the summer and early fall.

Gee… I wonder why my productivity was low…

Too bad those things don’t really count for anything when it comes to performance evaluations.

Sadness

At work today, there was someone on their first day back from maternity leave.  So, of course, there was much more baby talk than usual.  And, of course, I felt sad.

And it made me wonder… am I always going to feel that sadness when people are talking about baby stuff?  I mean, here I am, licensed for foster care, all ready for a baby to come.  And in all likelihood, I will get a baby within a month or two.  I’ll be able to join in those conversations soon enough.  But I’m still sad.

I know I will probably always feel some sadness when it comes to other people’s pregnancies; I expect that.  But what about the baby talk?  Am I going to continue to feel sad after I have my own baby?  Or am I just going to jump right into the conversation, like any “normal” mother?  I know I will never be a completely “normal” mother.  Not after infertility.  Not being a foster mom.  But I should be able to blend in fairly well.  I wonder though… will the sadness still be there?