Archive for November, 2008


What if . . .

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I’m really not very good at this blogging thing- it’s been a month and a half since my last post.  Life has just been so overwhelming.  Work, infertility, depression, my husband’s depression . . . I’ve been in survival mode.  I’m exhausted.

(warning: religious/spiritual contemplation below)

I went to church today.  I really should go more often than I do, but I just don’t make it very often.  And I end up crying, at least a little, almost every time I go.  Lots of babies at church.  Today was worse than usual because they were doing baby dedications (I escaped to the bathroom).  It was one of those times when the tears were just falling, and there wasn’t really anything I could do to stop them.

The sermon was about trusting in God, and about how sometimes that means letting go of whatever branch you’re clinging to.  It wasn’t really what I needed wanted to hear.  I’m going through this phase again- wondering if doing an IVF cycle is really the *right* thing to do.  Doing IVF would mean getting a $15,000 (give or take a couple thousand) loan.  And my FSH is high enough that there’s a much better chance that IVF won’t work than that it will.  So that leaves me wondering if it’s really worth doing.

What if I’m not supposed to do an IVF cycle?

What if I’m supposed to just give up?

What if that’s God’s plan for me?

I’m *terrified* that God might ask me to give up on getting pregnant.  To let it go.  I don’t want to give up.  I want at least ONE chance to get pregnant.  Even if I honestly don’t believe it’s going to work.  I’m not ready to give up.

But maybe I’m supposed to.  I believe that God has children “picked out” for me- biological or adopted.  And I believe that God’s plan is good.  But good is very different than easy.  And based on previous experiences, I have absolutely NO expectation that God will make things easy.  I kind of expect the opposite- that things are going to be hard.  And based on that expectation . . . maybe I’m not supposed to do IVF.

I don’t know if any of this even makes sense; I’m not exactly sure how to put all of my thoughts and feelings into words.

I really don’t want to give up on the hope that I will someday be pregnant.  I’m not ready to let that dream go.  But what if that’s what God is asking me to do?

What if . . . ?