Posts Tagged ‘God’

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What if . . .

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I’m really not very good at this blogging thing- it’s been a month and a half since my last post.  Life has just been so overwhelming.  Work, infertility, depression, my husband’s depression . . . I’ve been in survival mode.  I’m exhausted.

(warning: religious/spiritual contemplation below)

I went to church today.  I really should go more often than I do, but I just don’t make it very often.  And I end up crying, at least a little, almost every time I go.  Lots of babies at church.  Today was worse than usual because they were doing baby dedications (I escaped to the bathroom).  It was one of those times when the tears were just falling, and there wasn’t really anything I could do to stop them.

The sermon was about trusting in God, and about how sometimes that means letting go of whatever branch you’re clinging to.  It wasn’t really what I needed wanted to hear.  I’m going through this phase again- wondering if doing an IVF cycle is really the *right* thing to do.  Doing IVF would mean getting a $15,000 (give or take a couple thousand) loan.  And my FSH is high enough that there’s a much better chance that IVF won’t work than that it will.  So that leaves me wondering if it’s really worth doing.

What if I’m not supposed to do an IVF cycle?

What if I’m supposed to just give up?

What if that’s God’s plan for me?

I’m *terrified* that God might ask me to give up on getting pregnant.  To let it go.  I don’t want to give up.  I want at least ONE chance to get pregnant.  Even if I honestly don’t believe it’s going to work.  I’m not ready to give up.

But maybe I’m supposed to.  I believe that God has children “picked out” for me- biological or adopted.  And I believe that God’s plan is good.  But good is very different than easy.  And based on previous experiences, I have absolutely NO expectation that God will make things easy.  I kind of expect the opposite- that things are going to be hard.  And based on that expectation . . . maybe I’m not supposed to do IVF.

I don’t know if any of this even makes sense; I’m not exactly sure how to put all of my thoughts and feelings into words.

I really don’t want to give up on the hope that I will someday be pregnant.  I’m not ready to let that dream go.  But what if that’s what God is asking me to do?

What if . . . ?

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In denial

Saturday, February 23, 2008

It’s starting to feel like everyone else in my life is in denial about us needing to do IVF/ICSI.  I get so many of the “Maybe it will still happen” comments.  From DH, my mom, well-meaning friends.  But telling me that *maybe* it will happen naturally doesn’t help!  I know it’s true- there is a (VERY) small chance that we could get pregnant on our own- but how long am I supposed to wait for that *maybe* to happen?  Why can’t everyone else just accept that there’s a problem, that we need to do IVF, and then help me figure out how to get there? 

I actually talked to my husband about this a little last night.  I know part of the reason he’s in denial is because he feels bad that we have to go through all of this because his body isn’t cooperating.  I get that.  But there was just as much of a chance that it could have been something wrong with me and we could have ended up on the same path that way.  I don’t really care how we got here- we’re here and I need his help to move forward.  Especially since saving up for IVF means making sacrifices in other areas.

Is it weird that I’m so tired of being offered hope and “encouragement”?  I don’t want people to tell me that maybe we’ll get a miracle, that God will get me through it, or that everything will work out.  We probably won’t get a miracle, I know God will get me through it, and everything might not work out.  And if it doesn’t God will get me through that too. 

I guess hoping for a miracle doesn’t mean we can’t actively work toward IVF too- it just feels that way when everyone else is onlytalking about miracles and not saying anything about IVF.

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Beginning to blog . . .

Monday, February 11, 2008

So I *created* this blog a few weeks ago.  Many of my online friends have blogs about their struggles with infertility; I like reading all of their blogs and I like to journal, so I figured I would start a blog too.  So . . . ta-da!  Here it is. 

After I created it though, I realized I don’t have a whole lot to write about these days.  Yes, I’m going through the hell of infertility.  But we’re kind of on hold right now while we figure out how on earth we’re going to come up with $15,000 to pay for the IVF/ICSI we need to do to have any chance of getting pregnant.  I can’t exactly write about various treatments we’re going through,  the disappointment of a “failed” cycle (using whatever type of treatment), or about millions of appointments with the RE, billions of horrible side effects, etc, etc, etc. 

I was thinking about it again today though, and while there isn’t much happening on the outside (as far as us actually moving forward), there’s still a lot of internal stuff going on.  Emotionally and spiritually.  The intense sadness and sense of loss I feel whenever I’m confronted with something (pregnancy or baby) that almost everyone else is so happy and excited about.  Being forced to face the unfairness of life on a daily basis.  Asking God why He felt the need to allow me to go through this (yes, suffering is supposed to make me stronger, but haven’t I gone through enough?).  Trying to find some greater purpose in all of it because if there isn’t one, where does that leave me?

One of my special talents is starting things and not following through, so there is a good chance that this blog won’t go anywhere at all.  But if I can stick with it, maybe it will be a good place to try and sort things out.  And maybe it will somehow offer even the tiniest bit of help or comfort for someone else.

So that’s it for post #1.  Hopefully more will follow soon.