Archive for May, 2009

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“Get over it”

Monday, May 4, 2009

I wouldn’t say that to anyone else going through infertility, so why do I keep saying it to myself?  I *know* this isn’t something that I’m going to just “get over,” but on some level…

Today at work, I overheard a conversation about having a baby shower for a co-worker who is due in June (with her second, btw).  About ten minutes later I could hear a baby crying a few offices down from mine.  Crying babies are one of the worst triggers for me – almost anytime I hear a baby crying it’s like a stab in the heart, even if I’m completely involved in something and infertility and babies are the farthest thing from my mind.  Those two little things were enough to leave me feeling sad the rest of the day.

And that’s how it always happens.  Something that seems like it shouldn’t be a big deal, can completely ruin my day.  I try to talk myself out of it – I’ll get to be a mom… someday.  I’m excited about moving toward adopting from foster care.  I try to work through it – Just because I feel sad doesn’t mean I can’t get anything done.  I can cry and do paperwork at the same time.  I try to ignore it – I don’t have time to feel sad; I need to get this, that, and the other thing done before I can go home today.  But none of those really help.  I’m getting better at working through it, and at finding things to do that don’t take a whole lot of effort or concentration, but it still ruins my productivity for the whole day.

So all of that brings me back to “I have to get over this.”  I don’t want infertility to have so much control over my life.  I need to toughen up a little, so that these tiny little things don’t ruin my whole day.  I have to figure out how to let it go, move on, get a grip, and snap out of it.

I wonder sometimes if I’m letting myself stay stuck in this.  Maybe I should be farther along in the “grieving process” than I am?  That baby shower at work is in one month.  I’ve been avoiding baby showers for a loooong time, and I know this one is entirely optional.  But am I going to avoid baby showers for the rest of my life?  When does it get to the point when I just have to jump back into the fertile world?  (No matter how much it hurts.)  How do I know when enough is enough, and when I really am supposed to just “get over it”?

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