Archive for August, 2009


Baby showers

Saturday, August 22, 2009

So this is something I’ve been thinking about for a while…  For the last two and a half years, I have been avoiding baby showers at work.  And there have been quite a few.  Even with skipping the shower, I’m still guaranteed to cry at least once, at some point during the day.  It has been almost 10 months since we decided we were done trying to get pregnant, but that loss – not being able to get pregnant – is still very, very real.

I’ve told quite a few people at work (including my supervisor) that we’re getting licensed for foster care.  And people have been really supportive.  My supervisor has talked with me a couple times about having a baby shower.  But I have mixed feelings about it.  I really appreciate the support and acceptance and excitement, but there are a few reasons I’m not sure I want to have a baby shower.

First, while I have been fairly open about our infertility with people I know well, there are a lot of people at work who *don’t* know.  And I’m not sure I want to open my life up for speculation.  I’m obviously not pregnant, so I worry what assumptions other people might make.  I know people are probably going to find out that I’m doing foster care, and I’ve been trying to tell people little by little, I’m just not sure I want such a public announcement of it.

Second, it’s just different.  I’m not pregnant.  Whatever baby gets placed with me won’t even be “my” baby (while I can hope for adoption, I can’t expect it).  And even though I need baby things, I have no way of knowing what things I’m actually going to need: boy or girl? 1 month old or 8 months old?  I know this probably isn’t true, but I kind of feel like I don’t deserve all of the baby shower stuff as much as someone who is pregnant – I’m not really doing anything – I’m not bringing life into the world, I’m not even (necessarily) giving a child a permanent home.  I would NEVER say that about anyone else adopting or doing foster care, which is why I know it’s not an accurate thought, it’s just kind of how I’m feeling about myself right now.

And third, I don’t know if I can just switch like that – change from dreading and avoiding baby showers, to actually enjoying one.  I think the baby shower would be another reminder of what I’m not going to have.  It would bring mixed feelings.  I guess I should be used to that by now; a lot of things bring mixed feelings.

Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?  My best idea so far is to wait until after I have a baby placed with me – then I’ll know what I actually need, and the baby can be the center of attention instead of me.


Random thoughts

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I keep thinking about stuff to blog about, but I never seem to actually make myself sit down to write anything out.  So, in an effort to write something, I’m just going to write some of the bits and pieces I’ve been thinking about.

We’re still moving toward getting licensed for foster care.  And every step forward brings on a whole new wave of grief and loss.  At least I’m coming to expect it now, so I’m not caught off guard quite so much.  On top of the sadness, there are so many fears that come and go too.  The biggest one is that I’ll have a baby placed with me, fall completely in love (of course), and then lose the baby to someone else – I’m not sure how I feel about putting myself in a position to get hurt like that again.  Especially when I’m still dealing with so much of the hurt and pain that came with infertility.  Like I said, we’re still moving forward, and it still feels like the right decision for us, it’s just been kind of an emotional roller coaster.

And then there’s the whole “trying to figure out where I belong” thing.  I’m part of the minority of women who don’t get pregnant after infertility, but in some ways I don’t know if my infertility experience counts as much.  Or something.  I only had two cycles that could even kind of be counted as treatment cycles, and I never did IVF.  We hadn’t even been trying for “that long” when we gave up (not quite three years at that point).  And it was my choice to stop, my decision to not try IVF.  So I don’t think I quite qualify as being an “infertility veteran”.  I don’t know, maybe the real issue is that I’m still coping with feeling like I never even had a chance.  I’ve had more than 50 “opportunities” to get pregnant at this point (some day maybe I’ll stop counting), but I didn’t really have a chance of getting pregnant from any of those.  I wanted to try IVF, just once, before “giving up”, just so I would know I had my one chance.  And I guess not having that chance is one more loss I’m trying to deal with.

There have been other things coming up too, but at least I posted something.