Archive for April, 2008


Down again

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The last week or so I’ve been feeling pretty down again.  I don’t know if I’m officially “depressed”, but I guess I’m close.  I have just had these chronic feelings of not being worth anything and not doing anything well enough.  Those feelings/beliefs are kind of always there, but I’m usually pretty good at avoiding them unless I get really depressed.  But they haven’t wanted to leave me alone lately and I’m not really depressed.  At least not yet.  So I’m not sure what the deal is.  *sigh*  Hopefully they will go away soon.


It’s good news, but a little scary

Friday, April 11, 2008

Back from the RE.  And we have a plan.  A plan that requires action (unlike all of our previous plans which have involved sitting and waiting).  And I even impressed the RE with all of my knowledge gained from hours online. 🙂

Even though the second time I had my FSH tested it came back more normal, a lot of the time the higher number indicates how well someone responds to medication.  So next cycle I’m doing a clomid challenge test to see how my FSH levels respond to that.  If the numbers come back high then we’ll move onto injectibles.

Due to the recent increase in sperm, next cycle we are also going to try IUI.  And if the numbers keep coming back okay I guess we’ll go with that for a little while (with or without injectibles).  That’s the scary part.  Am I really ready to jump full force back onto the roller coaster?  Especially on clomid??  Even though the waiting is hard, at least it’s predictable.  We’ve literally been on hold for the last year, it’s a little strange actually getting ready to do something that could potentially end in a pregnancy. 

I’m still trying not to place too much hope in this, but I know that’s going to be impossible to do once we get going (I haven’t had to deal with a terrible “two week wait” in forever either).  I’m sure the rest of this cycle is going to seem like forever too.  We’ll see . . .


Here goes nothing

Friday, April 11, 2008

Our appointment with the RE is this afternoon.  I’m a little bit nervous.  Luckily this week my job was a bit unusual and chaotic so I haven’t had *too* much time to worry about today.  I guess we’ll find out if we might have enough sperm for IUI and if I still get to do a trial cycle (or maybe an IUI cycle?) of meds. 

I’m not holding out tons of hope for IUI.  I’ve heard that even when clomid increases sperm counts it doesn’t really help increase chances of pregnancy.  I’ve also heard that sometimes the (clomid-assisted) sperm don’t survive the wash for IUI very well.  If anyone has heard of any success stories about men taking clomid please let me know!


I almost never remember my dreams

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

But I must really be worried about this appointment on Friday because I’ve had baby related dreams the last couple nights.  Two nights ago I dreamt that I was pregnant and I couldn’t get my mom to take me to the hospital so I could have the baby (no idea where my husband was).  And last night my dream was that I found out I could never get pregnant.  My uterus was either missing or just really messed up.  The dream even included a *rational* explanation as to why this hadn’t shown up on the HSG.  I think maybe I really am going crazy!

I did CD3 bloodwork again yesterday.  This time my FSH was 7.1 (and my estradiol was still low, it was 30).  I should be thrilled to have gotten two pieces of *good* news in the last week, but I’m not.  I’m holding my breath.  I almost feel like the good results are just there to tease me.  Like if I actually start to have some hope then things are going to turn out worse than ever (like not having a uterus!).  That and most research seems to show that ovarian reserve (and response to IVF meds) is better predicted by the highest (worst) FSH level.  So if that’s true I might still be dealing with the 14.4.

This week is going to feel like forever!  What if my fate is decided at that appointment on Friday?  I know it won’t be, but I’m still anxious.


It’s a miracle!

Sunday, April 6, 2008

I actually just got some (relatively) good news related to our infertility problems.  The first good news we’ve had for a while.

Got the results back from the semen analysis my husband did a couple days ago.  He actually had a count of 16.2 million/ml!!!  I know that doesn’t sound like much, but his highest count previously was a whopping 5 million/ml (with 10% motility).  Total motile sperm for this most recent test (rapid and slow) was 9.72 million.  Semen analysis #1 had 0.5 million, #2 had 1.35 million, and #3 (which was after 3 1/2 months of clomid) had 1.5 million.  So 9.72 million is a HUGE improvement!  It *might* actually give us enough that we could try IUI.  Which means when I do a trial cycle to see how I respond to meds we can maybe do IUI at the same time and it won’t be a complete waste.

My husband hasn’t taken clomid in about 2 months, but I’m going to make sure he gets put back on it.  And I’m going to make him start taking vitamins too.  And maybe we can actually start actively TTC again while we save up to do IVF (if we end up needing it).  I’m not really counting on having any luck with IUI, but even if we don’t I think I’ll feel better knowing that we’re at least doing something.

16.2!!  I’m still amazed!


Not much going on or too much going on

Saturday, April 5, 2008

I’m not quite sure which. 

On the infertility front we’re just waiting.  My husband did another semen analysis yesterday (no results yet) and got his hormone levels checked again.  He stopped taking clomid a couple months ago and all of his hormone levels (FSH, LH, testosterone) have dropped down to about where they were before he started the clomid.  I started a new cycle today (yipee) so I’ll go on Monday to check FSH and estradiol again.  And then we go see the RE on Friday.  It will be good to talk about what are options are but I’m kind of dreading it too.  We just don’t have the money to do IVF right now.  And with my FSH levels so high we need to.  I think I’ve been avoiding thinking about that too much because I’ve been waiting for the appointment.  After Friday I’ll probably be a lot more stressed about it.

Money.  We’re having a hard time with that right now.  Bills are still getting paid, but we just barely have enough to live on after that (especially with gas prices!).  My younger brother is living with us and is *supposed* to be helping out with rent but he’s been unemployed since January.  So that’s income we don’t have right now.  My husband is trying to finish up school- which involves an unpaid, 25 hours/week internship.  So he’s working nights on the weekend.  He’s killing himself with all of the back and forth between days and nights.  He’ll finish his degree by June and should get a “real” job (translation: a job that pays well) starting in August or September.  We’re so used to living on a shoestring that once he gets that job we should be able to save a significant amount every month which is how we were going to save for IVF (we have no extra money to save right now).  But that might not be soon enough now.

Speaking of my brother- he’s incredibly depressed and going downhill.  Earlier this week I took him to the emergency room because I was worried he was suicidal.  Once we got there he took off on foot (the hospital we went to is close to his at-the-time-ex-girlfriend and a lot of his friends).  The police were called.  His friends were called.  About an hour later the police *apprehended* him (complete with put your hands in the air and a pat down) and brought him back to the hospital where he was placed on a hold until he could get a pysch eval.  The people who do the pysch evals won’t talk to anyone who is intoxicated and my brother was at least slightly drunk so he was there overnight.  My parents and I went home around 2:30am and I actually managed to go to work the next day.  Anyway, the psych eval guy said my brother wasn’t actively suicidal (which was true at that point- 10 the next morning) and so they couldn’t admit him to a hospital.  He was referred for county mental heelth services which have a waiting period of at least 3 months.  Great.  So he’s still living with us and I have a feeling this is really only the beginning.  Hopefully I will be proved wrong on that one.  Right now he’s back together with his girlfriend so things have been okay.  But they have a very dysfunctional “on again, off again” relationship. 

And work.  I’m so behind on paperwork.  That’s actually what I should be doing now, instead of writing this novel.  I SO wish I could figure out how to stay caught up, but it never happens.  One of the medications I’m taking is for ADD.  It helps me a lot with being able to get things done but I’ve also lost a lot of weight since being on it.  Most of the weight was okay to lose since I gained about 20 pounds from taking a different medication.  But I’m at the point where I’m really close to being underweight and even though I’ve been trying to eat more I haven’t gained any back.  I’ve read a couple things online that have said having a low BMI can *possibly* cause high FSH.  So that worries me.  Plus, I’m just not very healthy.  So I’m wondering if I should stop taking this medication for a while.  But I’m also worried about how that will affect my ability to do my job.  So that’s another thing on my mind.

I guess maybe I have too much going on.  Maybe I’m just so overwhelmed that I’m running on automatic and it almost feels like there isn’t much going on.