Posts Tagged ‘money’

h1

Laptop woes

Monday, May 26, 2008

My laptop is just over 4 1/2 years old, and it is on its last leg.  The connection to the screen is getting finicky and so half of the time when I open it up and turn it on the backlight for the screen doesn’t come on.  Which means a very dark screen.  So I have to close the lid, push it down in a couple places, and hope that the screen lights up when I open it again.  Sometimes it does, sometimes I have to do that three or four times before I get light.  Very annoying.  And I have no idea how long it will be before it completely dies.  So I need a new laptop.

There is a laptop that I have been wanting for over a year now.  It’s a tablet and I think it would help make getting paperwork done at least a little easier.  Plus it’s fairly small and would be much easier to carry around- a nice benefit, since I take my laptop with me almost everywhere.  My husband is supposed to get his last financial aid check in the next month or so.  And we were planning to use some of that money to buy me a new laptop.  The one that I’ve been wanting forever.

Except now I feel like I can’t buy it.  Because we’re going to need that money for a shot at getting pregnant, for a chance at having a baby.  $1400.  Probably a little less than 10% of what we will need for one IVF/ICSI cycle.  How can I put a new computer over a baby?  But it’s not fair.  I want my new computer.  And I’m mad, darn it!  On top of mourning the potential loss of my ability to even get pregnant, I’m mourning the loss of a stupid computer.  I know it sounds ridiculous, and probably very selfish.  And I know that a big part of being a parent is having to make sacrifices for your kids.  But I almost never spend money on myself.  And I’ve really been looking forward to that laptop.  And it shouldn’t cost anyone $15000+ to even have a chance at getting pregnant.

So I’m having a major pity party for myself.  It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s NOT FAIR!  And I’m feeling very bitter about the whole situation.  And I know I probably need to just get over it.  But underneath all that, I’m TERRIFIED that I’m never going to be pregnant.  Completely and absolutely terrified.  And I think the bitterness and anger are easier to cope with than the terror.

I want my computer. 😦

h1

I am soooo grumpy!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Warning:  This is going to be a total venting post.  Full of b!tching and moaning, whining and complaining, and a whole lot of self-pity.

I am STILL dizzy and nauseous from that stupid clomid!  It’s been getting better, but I am so tired of feeling seasick all the time.  The nausea is pretty constant.  The dizziness just randomly hits me.  Often enough that I’m still feeling like I shouldn’t drive.  So I have been stuck in the house ALL weekend.  By myself, essentially.  My husband works nights on the weekend- so when he’s home, he’s asleep.  And I get to entertain myself.  That in itself is enough to drive me crazy- being by myself with limited human interaction for a whole weekend.  And when I’m not feeling good?  And feeling like I’m stuck in the house?  Not pretty.

I have been overreacting to everything.  Getting irritated and mad at whatever my husband says and does (or doesn’t say and doesn’t do).  And I’m taking everything as a personal attack.  That anything and everything bad is my fault because I’m screwing something up or not doing something well enough.  Do I get to blame all of this on the clomid too?  I would like to, but to be honest, I do this some of the time even without clomid.  Although not this bad, so maybe clomid is playing a role.  Or maybe my irritation is increased because I’m still feeling crappy clomid side effects.

I was talking to a friend yesterday.  She asked me what exactly my dream is, what I’m trying to fulfill by trying to get pregnant, trying to have kids.  My answer?  I want to be a mom.  And part (or a lot) of the reason that is so important to me is because I feel like, in a lot of ways, I didn’t have a mom.  And I’m hoping that by being a mom I can fix some of that.  Not repeat the same mistakes.  Be there for my child, make sure that he or she knows how special he/she is, how loved and cherished he/she is.  If I can give that to someone else, maybe it will help fill some of the holes in my heart in the process.  A good thing for me to think about, but NOT on Mother’s day weekend.  It’s just even more of a reminder that I’m not a mom.

Another thing I’m worried about- I reallywant to be pregnant.  I have seriously wanted to be pregnant and have a baby since I was in high school.  I know we can “always adopt”, but if I miss out on the pregnancy part of it that is going to be a HUGE loss for me.  And with my FSH high, and my husband’s low sperm count, getting me pregnant is most likely going to be a very expensive endeavor.  And we don’t have the money for it.  We won’t for a while.  And by the time we do, it might be too late.

Which leads me to worrying about money.  My husband is such an impulsive spender.  And he gets very irritated if he feels like I’m trying to *deny* him things or control him.  So I always feel like I’m walking a fine line- making sure all of the bills get paid, but trying to give my husband enough freedom so he doesn’t get upset.  I’m partly to blame, I spend impulsively too sometimes, but lately my impulsive spending has been more because I start feeling like it’s not fair that he gets to spend money and I don’t.  At this point, every extra thing we spend money on feels like money that isn’t going to pay for a baby.

Laptops.  My husband and I both have laptops that we use a LOT.  My husband is going to get a big financial aid check sometime in the next month and we’re tentatively planning to use most of it for new laptops.  Both of our current ones are dying.  Mine is almost 4 1/2 years old and the connection to the backlight for the screen isn’t working so well.  So half of the time when I open it up the screen stays black.  So far, if I close it and open it back up again it fixes itself.  But I have a feeling it’s going to get worse.  I use my laptop ALL the time for work, I really do need a new one.  But again, it feels like money that isn’t go toward fertility treatments.  The nagging voice in the back of my head is asking which is more important- a new computer or a baby?

Another thing that has been hard and stressful lately is that my husband has been depressed.  He’s almost done with his Masters degree and part of him is really fighting that.  So he avoids doing things he needs to do, he flakes out on his internship, and he spends most of his time sleeping.  I know he can finish this and get a good job, but he doesn’t believe in himself.  And that’s what is really important.  I need him to finish this degree.  I need him to get a good job.  We’re used to living off a smaller income at this point.  When he gets a good job we should be able to save a significant amount of *baby* money every month.  So at this point, him not finishing his degree feels like me never getting to be pregnant.  I haven’t told him all of this, I don’t think he needs any more pressure, I’m just trying to be supportive and encouraging and to help him with what I can.

So that’s most of what I’m stressed and worried and irritated about right now.  How is your Mother’s day weekend going?