Archive for February, 2010


Quick update

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Right now it’s nap/quiet time, and I finally have the house *mostly* put back together, so I have a few minutes to write.

We have two little girls.  Katydid is 5 years old, and CuddleBug is 2.  Both of them are really well behaved, for the most part.  They have a lot of energy though!  I’m worn out physically more than anything else.  My mom came over to watch them for a couple hours on Saturday, and is completely in love.  We went to church on Sunday, and my mom was showing “her grandkids” off to everyone.  My younger brother came over for a while this morning, to help the girls plant a garden.  It makes me feel really good, to have my family be so accepting of them.  The girls already feel like part of the family – just as if they were born into it instead of “placed” into it.

I love finally getting to be a mom.  I’m really happy.  Exhausted, frustrated, and overwhelmed at times, but mostly happy.  And content.

I have this week off from work, so I can figure out daycare for them and help everyone continue to adjust.  I found an all day preschool for Katydid to go to, but I’m still looking for somewhere for CuddleBug.

So far, the hardest part has been bedtime.  I did tons and tons of babysitting in junior high and high school, and these girls are harder to get to sleep than any other kid I’ve taken care of.  They’re in bed by 8 or 8:30, and they don’t actually fall asleep until 10 or 10:30.   Anyone have any brilliant tricks for getting little kids to calm down and go to sleep?


Holy cow! We have kids!

Friday, February 19, 2010

I don’t have time to write much, but we have two little girls with us – 2 and 5.  It’s a short term placement.  And things have been a little crazy the last 24 hours.

I’ll post more when I have a few minutes to actually write. 🙂


Taking the next step

Friday, February 12, 2010

I finally made the call to the state adoptions office yesterday, and requested an information packet.  I’ve been putting it off for a while now – the whole homestudy process scares me a little.  Getting licensed as foster parents was the easy part.  Getting approved for adoption?  Not so much.

I have depression.  Chronic depression.  It’s something I’ve dealt with for over ten years now.  It kind of comes and goes – I’m mildly depressed for a while, and then it becomes worse for a short period of time, and then I go back to mild.  I’m getting treatment for it, and I’m pretty good at managing the symptoms so they don’t disrupt my daily life too much.  Or at least I was until infertility came along.  Infertility and depression seem to have been working hand-in-hand to try to disable me.  And there have been times when they have been successful in the last couple years.  Since we got licensed for foster care, things have been a little better.  I haven’t been so easy to knock down.

But I worry about how the person doing our homestudy will see at it.  I worry that I’m going to be judged (by everyone) for trying to adopt a baby when I’m struggling with depression.  I know that having a “psychiatric condition” (as it says on the preliminary application form) doesn’t mean I can’t adopt.  But I still worry.

What if they decide I’m not good enough?


Anger, part 2

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Thank you everyone, for the comments.  It’s always nice to have the reminder that I’m not alone.

As I’ve been spending more time thinking about this, I’m realizing that a big part of the problem is that I don’t know how to express anger in general.  I’ve been doing some journaling about all of it.  I’m not usually into writing poems, but that’s what I ended up with  this time.  They might be kind of dumb… but I figured I’d share them anyway.  (Gotta love the anonymity of blogging.)


I hate this crushing pain.

Feeling like I can’t breath.

I hate the black hole inside my heart.

Sucking me in.

Leaving nothing but emptiness.

How do I express the anger?

Where do I even begin?

If I start to let it go, will it overcome me?

Will I completely lose control?

Will I lose myself?

It’s easier to sink into the pain.

To give in.

It’s easier to feel dead inside.

Numb to it all.

Feeling exhaustion instead of anger.


I’m mad because

So many people can get pregnant

So many people think it’s easy

So many people give unwanted advice

So many people don’t even try to understand

I’m mad because it’s not fair

I’m mad when I

Hear about other people’s babies

Am told about yet another person who is pregnant

See baby pictures on Facebook

I’m mad when I have to pretend it doesn’t bother me

I’m mad at

Baby showers

Maternity stores

Ultrasound pictures

Pregnancy test commercials

I’m mad at the reminders that are everywhere

I’m mad because I have to

Do things even when I feel like I’m being crushed by all the heartache

Deal with the sadness and grief and depression

Cope with the invisible pain

I’m mad because I have to somehow continue with everyday life



Thursday, February 4, 2010

I was talking with someone today.  I was telling her about how I spent last Thursday evening in tears.  Almost the whole evening.  I even cried myself to sleep.  (My eyes were so puffy when I woke up Friday morning – I looked AWFUL.)  I guess all of the sadness just hit me.

And then I told her about having breakfast with my mom the next morning.  I love my mom, and we’re really good friends, but she can be a little clueless with the baby stuff.  I made a “bitter infertile” comment to the person I was talking with about how I really don’t need my mom to tell me that a kid I babysat for is now pregnant with number two.  (Really, I don’t.)

This person caught the anger in my voice and asked who/what I’m mad at.  I told her I’m mad at life in general.  She commented that it seems like I usually skip over the anger part, and go straight to the sadness and tears. She said maybe it would be good for me to express some of the anger.

It’s true that I skip over the getting mad part.  I grew up learning that anger is a scary thing.  I can calmly say I’m mad at life, but actually express that anger?  Forget it.  I wouldn’t even know how.

But maybe it’s not such a bad idea to try to get some of it out.  So I need ideas.  How do you deal with the anger that comes along with infertility?