Posts Tagged ‘work’

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Feeling overwhelmed

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

So… I found out today that my husband didn’t get yet
another job that he interviewed for. *sigh* I really wish something
would work out for him! He needs it for his self-esteem, and we
need it to be able to pay rent and mortgage every month. Have I
mentioned that I hate money? We have a million and one questions to
answer for our fost-adopt application autobiography, and I have to
sign us up for the foster care class. But I still don’t want to
take any kids until my husband has a job. Please, God? I want to be
the primary caregiver, even if I’m working; I don’t want my husband
to have to do it. We just made it through the fifth Christmas that
we could have had a child. I never thought we would have to wait
this long. Why? I’m just so tired of all of this. I just want a
baby.

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Well that didn’t last long

Friday, October 29, 2010

This morning I had an appointment with a mom who has a baby.  Watching her interact with her baby… watching her play with her baby… watching her comfort her baby…

I came home and cried at lunch.

I want that.  I want a baby to take care of, and nurture, and comfort.  Foster or biological, I don’t care.  But I want a baby.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Still waiting to hear back about my husband’s job interview.  I don’t want to send in our application for fost-adopt until he has a job.  Because *I* want to be the primary caregiver.  And if he’s not working, then that leaves him to be the primary caregiver.  Because I’ll need to bring home the money.  I’m still praying that he gets this job.  But I’m starting to lose hope.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I just want a baby.

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Twelve days of blogging

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

It seems like a lot of people have been doing a month of blogging lately.  I’m a little too ADHD to promise to blog every day for a whole month, but I’m going to try to do it for twelve days.  Why twelve?  Just because it’s my favorite number.

So… my husband and I moved at the beginning of October.  And we’re *mostly* settled in.  I’m really enjoying my new job; my  husband is still looking.  Last week I contacted a local foster/adoption agency to get information about the process to get licensed through them.  We’re living in a small county, so apparently there are only three agencies we can choose from.  I work for one of the agencies, so that one is out.  I haven’t heard great things about the second, so the one I contacted is kind of our only option.  Fortunately, after talking with the guy on the phone, I have a good feeling about the agency.  They mailed us some information.  And an application.  I’m not sure when we’ll actually send it back in, but at least we have it.  My husband had a job interview yesterday.  If he gets the job, I think we’ll send the application in soon.  I want to feel like we’re moving forward again.

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Contemplating change

Thursday, July 22, 2010

My husband had a job interview yesterday.  He’s currently employed, but not in the area his education is in, and he has been looking for a new job for about a year without much luck.  The interview was in a city about two and a half hours from where we currently live, and he mostly decided to go to the interview for practice.  However, he feels like the interview went really well.  And if he was actually offered the job, we would have some hard decisions to make.

Both my husband and I have lived most of our lives in the area we currently live in.  Almost all of our immediate family still live in this area as well.  Picking up and moving would be hard to do.  It would also mean having to figure out what to do with the house we’re living in (which we just bought about a year ago).  And it would mean having to start all over again with foster care certification.  Another delay in getting a baby.

And yet…

I’m actually a little excited thinking about the possibility of change.  I haven’t been able to find another job where we’re living.  We still don’t have a baby.  For the last six months (at least) it has seemed like every door of possible opportunity and forward movement has been shut and locked in our faces.  Maybe we’re supposed to be going in this new direction.  Maybe?

Or maybe I’m just desperately looking for some way to make sense of everything else that *hasn’t* been happening for us.

At any rate, he should find out about the job by next Wednesday.

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Checking in…

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Wow.  It has been forever and a day since I have posted anything.  I haven’t been keeping up with other people’s blogs either.  I’m being a very bad blogger.

Major life occurrences since my last post:

1) Our two girls left.  On Mother’s day, no less.  They went to live with family, which is good.  We got to meet the family, and we really liked them, which is good.  We knew it was going to be a short-term placement.  But I’m way too used to hoping for the impossible, and so of course I had some hope that the family thing wouldn’t work out, and that maybe the girls would stay with us.  So I ended up sad and disappointed.

2) I was laid off from my job.  That I absolutely loved… well, except for all the paperwork and the high amounts of stress…  I don’t know the reason I was picked to be laid off, but I’m guessing infertility might have had something to do with it, since it kinda-sorta had an impact on my job performance.  I actually started at that job the same month we started at the fertility clinic.  I’m not sure what the plan is now.  I’m technically looking for another job, but I’m not really sure if I want another one like the one I had.  I might try to find something a little different, with less paperwork and less stress.  And then, since I’ll be so much more relaxed, I’ll get pregnant… ha, ha.

We’re back on the list for taking another placement.  I’m planning to wait for a baby this time.  I loved having the girls, but I still feel so sad and bitter whenever I see a woman with a baby.  I need to have my turn.

Anyway… since I have LOTS of free time these days, I’m going to try to actually get caught up on blog stuff…

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Nothing in particular

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I’ve kind of been in the mood to write a post recently – kind of looking for some connection, I guess – but I don’t really have much to write about. I suppose maybe that’s a good thing?

We’re still on hold with foster care, which sucks, but what can you do?  We’re waiting for some paperwork to be processed and passed on to the licensing people, and apparently they’re running behind.  I’m SO tired of waiting, but, right at this moment at least, I’m resigned.

I think a small part of me almost expects something else to go wrong with all of this.  And a small voice is telling me that maybe all of the obstacles are really just signs that I’m not supposed to be a mom.  I can rationalize a lot of that away, but not all of it.  Some of the fear remains.  Fear that this isn’t going to happen.  Fear that maybe it isn’t “meant to be”.  Fear that I may never get to have a baby, even for a short period of time.

Work is work.  I’m exhausted, but for the time being, I’m mostly caught up on stuff, which feels good.  Now I just have to stay caught up on stuff, so when baby comes I can balance work and baby.

I suppose that means I should stop blogging, and get some paperwork done.

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Work problems

Friday, January 8, 2010

I just got my yearly performance evaluation at work.  I’m getting in trouble for low productivity during the last year.  My life fell apart last December, when we decided to give up on trying to get pregnant, and it took a while to pick up the pieces (go figure).  And I was going through pretty severe depression for most of the summer and early fall.

Gee… I wonder why my productivity was low…

Too bad those things don’t really count for anything when it comes to performance evaluations.