Thursday, February 4, 2010

I was talking with someone today.  I was telling her about how I spent last Thursday evening in tears.  Almost the whole evening.  I even cried myself to sleep.  (My eyes were so puffy when I woke up Friday morning – I looked AWFUL.)  I guess all of the sadness just hit me.

And then I told her about having breakfast with my mom the next morning.  I love my mom, and we’re really good friends, but she can be a little clueless with the baby stuff.  I made a “bitter infertile” comment to the person I was talking with about how I really don’t need my mom to tell me that a kid I babysat for is now pregnant with number two.  (Really, I don’t.)

This person caught the anger in my voice and asked who/what I’m mad at.  I told her I’m mad at life in general.  She commented that it seems like I usually skip over the anger part, and go straight to the sadness and tears. She said maybe it would be good for me to express some of the anger.

It’s true that I skip over the getting mad part.  I grew up learning that anger is a scary thing.  I can calmly say I’m mad at life, but actually express that anger?  Forget it.  I wouldn’t even know how.

But maybe it’s not such a bad idea to try to get some of it out.  So I need ideas.  How do you deal with the anger that comes along with infertility?



  1. I wish I could help you with the how to deal with the anger. I have found that this blogging stuff has helped me. Its so hard. I was watching “Private Practice” last night and got pissed that a 15 year old was pregnant and not me. I made my husband turn it off and I cried for about an hour. Its just not fair.
    The only thing I have found that has helped me is praying and blogging. I am sending hugs your way and wish I had the answers. I wish we all had the answers. HUGS.

  2. I’m not a good one to give advice. I found myself getting angry more easily when driving (nothing like flipping some other driver the bird to solve my fertility problems) or losing it with DH (see my post from Feb. 24, 2008). At some point, I realized I needed to see a therapist and that helped. Blogging helped too.

  3. Wow that is a loaded question. I am a more angry than sad person. When I would get AF I wouldn’t cry – I’d curse and head for the liquor cabinet. I’ve spent the better part of my time in IF purgatory angry. Venomous. Livid. At IF. At myself. At my husband. At the fertiles. At my job. At everyone and everything.

    I think that angry and saddness are both normal and healthy. I think that too much of either one is not. Good luck finding the balance – I obviously never have.

    P.S. I’m glad you’re posting again. Rosa and some of us were worried about you for a while. I tried to email you but I had the wrong address.

  4. I hate expressing my anger. I really do. For me, I need to talk it over with someone who is not connected to the situation…really explain what I am going through. Mostly, though, I do something! I clean, exercise, take a trip, or create something. Doing something helps me realize the futility of being angry at myself or DH for fertility issues. I know that anger is a healthy thing. I know that sadness is a healthy thing. But, I am slowly coming to grips with the fact that if I am so angry…I am missing the small joys of my life. So, I tend to be angry quickly…and get over it quickly.

    I hope you find a good way of expressing your anger.

  5. I think we grew dealing with anger in pretty similar ways. I unfortunately hold lots of it in and then when I am near “full”, the littlest things will set me off and that poor person might get the brunt of my anger. Even that isn’t bad…

    I don’t know, but I’ve heard kickboxing and or plate smashing are supposed to feel pretty good. (-;

  6. I’ve thought about this a lot. I don’t know that I’ve got good answers but I have definately thought about it a lot.

    For me, a combination of facing it squarely, writing about it, actually saying the angry words out loud to someone, physical exercise and the odd pillow beating, throwing shit, head banging tanti seems to have been my best options. Saying it to someone who will listen and take it seriously but not see it as all of me has released some of the power that anger has held over me.

    I wrote a blogpost titled Rage a while back. It is not the space I am in at the moment, but I think it is more common than most care to admit.

    I hope you find a way to let those distressing feelings out. It doesn’t change the situation but it does end up being an important step in finding peace (or so I’m told!)

  7. It ranges from aerobics to virtual plate smashing and lots of manic writing to release the words/emotions churning in my head and heart…

  8. Here from LFCA.

    It’s funny, I was thinking about exactly this issue after reading a post on an infertility message board I frequent, from a newbie, about “How Do You Deal with It?” Thinking about it as I was splitting wood … the old fashioned way … this weekend. I was irritated (this is petty); we’d bought a load of wood not 3 weeks ago, and we’ve burned it all, it’s been so cold. And no sign of warmer weather in sight. So … do I buy another load or go out and split the old chunks of pine lying in our yard? This weekend it was the latter, and it made me so mad … the ($90!) cost of a load of firewood should be peanuts to us (and on one level it is), but I so want to pay off the debt from the infertility treatments, and money’s money. So?

    But you know, splitting wood is darned cathartic if you’re mad. I found it a lot more helpful than the “talk it out” suggestions that most folks posted on the message board. I think this sort of “therapy” is one many women neglect or don’t pursue, perhaps to our detriment …

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