Random thoughts

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I keep thinking about stuff to blog about, but I never seem to actually make myself sit down to write anything out.  So, in an effort to write something, I’m just going to write some of the bits and pieces I’ve been thinking about.

We’re still moving toward getting licensed for foster care.  And every step forward brings on a whole new wave of grief and loss.  At least I’m coming to expect it now, so I’m not caught off guard quite so much.  On top of the sadness, there are so many fears that come and go too.  The biggest one is that I’ll have a baby placed with me, fall completely in love (of course), and then lose the baby to someone else – I’m not sure how I feel about putting myself in a position to get hurt like that again.  Especially when I’m still dealing with so much of the hurt and pain that came with infertility.  Like I said, we’re still moving forward, and it still feels like the right decision for us, it’s just been kind of an emotional roller coaster.

And then there’s the whole “trying to figure out where I belong” thing.  I’m part of the minority of women who don’t get pregnant after infertility, but in some ways I don’t know if my infertility experience counts as much.  Or something.  I only had two cycles that could even kind of be counted as treatment cycles, and I never did IVF.  We hadn’t even been trying for “that long” when we gave up (not quite three years at that point).  And it was my choice to stop, my decision to not try IVF.  So I don’t think I quite qualify as being an “infertility veteran”.  I don’t know, maybe the real issue is that I’m still coping with feeling like I never even had a chance.  I’ve had more than 50 “opportunities” to get pregnant at this point (some day maybe I’ll stop counting), but I didn’t really have a chance of getting pregnant from any of those.  I wanted to try IVF, just once, before “giving up”, just so I would know I had my one chance.  And I guess not having that chance is one more loss I’m trying to deal with.

There have been other things coming up too, but at least I posted something.



  1. When we were approved as foster carers we weren’t allowed to care for babies because we were infertile. Maybe you could specify an age range you think would be easier for you?

    And I know what you mean by not feeling like you belong. We never got past Clomid before it was all over. We chose not to try surgery and sometimes I feel like we’re less infertile because we didn’t try hard enough or want it bad enough.

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling the loss right now. *hug*

  2. Hello…here through Sassy…

    well being an infertility vet is not a very desirable proposition in itself.

    I have been jumping the rings for almost five years now, but still there is no baby in sight, am not pregnant right now and still feel like an IF minnow.

    I think I can understand the scary part of being a foster carer. I recently read the news through LFCA of a blogger who was taking care of some kids and now the kids were being set back to the biological parents. Somehow the aspiration of mothering even if we do not give birth.

    All I can say is, it is not an easy place for you to be, and I am sure that you will overcome the situation and emerge stronger – physically, emotionally and mentally. And get ready to take on the challenges that the future has to bring.

    Good Luck!

  3. Corrections: I think I can understand the scary part of being a foster carer. I recently read the news through LFCA of a blogger who was taking care of some kids and now the kids were being sent back to the biological parents. Somehow the aspiration of mothering does not wilt even if we do not give birth.

  4. Good luck with becoming foster parents. I hope it is one step on the road to your dreams of being a mom.

    As for being an IF veteran, I would say that anyone who has faced what you have faced and made the decisions you have made qualifies…still not sure it’s a good thing to qualify as.

    And, I read the poem in your last post and it is beautiful.


  5. You know I disagree with you. I think that your “not quite three years” was more than long enough and way too long in my book for anyone. In someways choosing to quit the treatments might be a braver thing to do because now you have a different unknown.
    Becoming a foster parent is a noble thing and not everyone can do it. It takes a special person to take in a child in need. And as I’ve always believed, if you’re sitting their worried that you won’t be good enough, you’re already being better than most. if your worried about being good enough, you put everything in you to make sure you are.
    We all have our paths to take. Yours appears to be through foster care, others choose to abandon all hope and move on, and still others continue with treatments. No path is the answer, you just need to find the one that works best for you and that is all anyone can ask.



  6. I am sorry that you are grieiving this loss.
    It is so unfair, but you already know this.
    I hope the future brings good things for you.


  7. 3 years is a very long time to go through something so heartbreaking. I am a foster parent currently. We are doing it just to foster, not to adopt, but I love it so much. I have gotten very attached, but I stay as involved as I can with their birth family to remind me that someday they will be leaving.

    I hope you find your forever family through the foster system! There are amazing children there and you are a wonderful person for taking this on.


  8. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog! It’s so helpful to “meet” other people going through the same/similar thing. Another question…did Clomid effect your DH’s depression at all? FIL had similar swimmer issues (and has the same depression issues that DH deals with). They put him on Clomid and they were able to get pregnant after that, but apparently the Clomid was really difficult for him. We’re a bit guarded about the Clomid idea after their experience.

    Thanks so much for sharing the testosterone info. It’s going on my list of things to check w/ the doc!

    I’m so sorry for all you’ve gone through. You absolutely have every right to grieve what wasn’t regardless of how many cycles truly counted or which fertility treatments you did or didn’t do. You deserve to grieve. (((HUGS)))

  9. Hey there – I’m visiting from IComLeavWe. I’m an adoptive momma who never tried fertility treatments. You aren’t alone. When we were in the thick of decision-making, I sometimes felt like you did… was I giving up without really trying?

    I think everyone has to decide what works for them, what is best for their families and just let go of everything else. Sometimes that “letting go” (grieving) takes awhile. For us… we decided, after over five years of pseudo-trying, that adoption was the right path. That was over four years ago. We have a now five-year-old who starts kindergarten next week (ack!) and I don’t in any way regret my decisions. My daughter just lights up my world.

    Praying that you feel the same, whatever your decision, several years from now.

  10. With all you have gone through, you qualify! No doubts in my mind…and if it makes any difference, this comes from someone who is in the middle of IVF #6. In fact, I often admire those who stopped medical treatments sooner…I see that as a position of strength. I can’t seem to stop despite almost 4 years of trying and no baby to hold. That being said, not sure it’s a great thing to qualify for!

    How wonderful that you are giving through the foster care system! Again, I am impressed by your strength. My husband and I thought of fostering, but I do not think that I could survive if I had to return a child to his/her biological parents. Too much loss and heartache already. I admire your strength.

  11. I think you are amazing for going down the foster path. They do such great things for those kids and are some of the most self-less people I know.

    Sorry you don’t feel like you fit in. I also feel that way since I am not very far down the path yet and haven’t done any huge procedures. But then I realized that anyone who wants to be a mother and isn’t belongs!

    Best of luck!


  12. I think that infertility isn’t just about failed cycles, drugs and treatments, procedures, or pregnancy loss. Those things are certainly a huge part of it, but there is something else… the emotional wear and tear it causes.

    You have experienced the repeated grief of knowing that this cycle isn’t THE cycle, you have faced starting over month after month, and ultimately you made the decision to build your family in a different way. If that doesn’t give you street cred in the infertile world, I don’t know what does!

    Hang in there… I hope you find peace on your journey!

  13. I have to disagree with one of your comments!

    “So I don’t think I quite qualify as being an “infertility veteran”.”

    You say this because you never did IVF.

    We’re entering our 10th year of ttc, with nothing to show for it but heartache and 4 miscarriages. We’ve never (and will never) do IVF and yet unfortunately I count myself as a veteren of this horrible afliction.

    IVF isn’t for everyone and it’s most definitely not the be all cure that it’s made out to be. As I refer to it, it’s the hope builder and dream wrecker all rolled into one.


  14. Awww, girl. You most definitely are an infertility vet. I so wish you could have had your shot at IVF and I’m sorry that it didn’t work out that way. Grieve this very real loss as much as you need to… The “unknown” is often one of the hardest to overcome.

    There are so many paths on the journey of infertility and the madness of medicated cycles is only one aspect. The feelings, the emotions, the long uncertain journey, not having a baby…these are all shared no matter the path. These are much more the definition of IF. Many hugs.

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