h1

insecurity

Sunday, June 7, 2009

First of all, I want to say thank you to the commenters on my last post who told me it was okay to skip the baby shower at work.  It was earlier this week, and I did skip it.  I still ended up crying, but at least I felt like I was taking care of myself.

We decided to do foster-to-adopt a few months ago.  And we’ve been on hold for a while because we were waiting to buy a house.  So the decision was made, but I wasn’t really having to actively deal with it.

We found a house.  We’re in escrow, and everything looks good, and we should be able to move in sometime in the first half of July.  And I’m supposed to start filling out the foster care license application.

Insecurity setting in.

What if I’m not “ready” for this?  I really want to, and I am excited about it, but I’m a little overwhelmed too.  I’ve been waiting over three years to have a baby, and now it might happen “just like that.”  With doing foster care, we won’t have any idea of when, or how old, or anything else. So many unknowns.

I’m also feeling kind of inferior to other moms.  I won’t have any part in the creation and formation of my child.  Doing the mommy show-and-tell just won’t be the same; my baby will be someone else’s “accomplishment” (for lack of a better word).  My child won’t even truly be mine until adoption papers are signed.  That could be a couple years, or it could be never- I might have to let “my” child go back to his or her birth family.  How do I make my child feel loved and secure, and guard my heart at the same time?

I worry about my job too.  I love my job, but it’s hard, and it takes a lot of my time and energy.  I need to find more balance in my life- I can’t be working all the time and have a baby.  I also worry what people at work are going to think about me.  My supervisor knows how much I struggle to get all of my paperwork done, I’ve already gotten in trouble for it a couple of times.  What if people at work think I’m being irresponsible, or stupid, to take on additional responsibilities (a baby) when I’m having a hard enough time doing the things that are on my plate now?  And again, doing it through foster care/adoption seems different- I’m going out of my way to have a child, it’s not something that just happened.  What if people think I’m not taking my job seriously enough?

The prospect of foster care becoming more real also means that my decision to stop trying to get pregnant is becoming more real.  And that’s bringing up a lot of the sadness again.

I just feel so unsettled and so unsure of myself.

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