“Get over it”

Monday, May 4, 2009

I wouldn’t say that to anyone else going through infertility, so why do I keep saying it to myself?  I *know* this isn’t something that I’m going to just “get over,” but on some level…

Today at work, I overheard a conversation about having a baby shower for a co-worker who is due in June (with her second, btw).  About ten minutes later I could hear a baby crying a few offices down from mine.  Crying babies are one of the worst triggers for me – almost anytime I hear a baby crying it’s like a stab in the heart, even if I’m completely involved in something and infertility and babies are the farthest thing from my mind.  Those two little things were enough to leave me feeling sad the rest of the day.

And that’s how it always happens.  Something that seems like it shouldn’t be a big deal, can completely ruin my day.  I try to talk myself out of it – I’ll get to be a mom… someday.  I’m excited about moving toward adopting from foster care.  I try to work through it – Just because I feel sad doesn’t mean I can’t get anything done.  I can cry and do paperwork at the same time.  I try to ignore it – I don’t have time to feel sad; I need to get this, that, and the other thing done before I can go home today.  But none of those really help.  I’m getting better at working through it, and at finding things to do that don’t take a whole lot of effort or concentration, but it still ruins my productivity for the whole day.

So all of that brings me back to “I have to get over this.”  I don’t want infertility to have so much control over my life.  I need to toughen up a little, so that these tiny little things don’t ruin my whole day.  I have to figure out how to let it go, move on, get a grip, and snap out of it.

I wonder sometimes if I’m letting myself stay stuck in this.  Maybe I should be farther along in the “grieving process” than I am?  That baby shower at work is in one month.  I’ve been avoiding baby showers for a loooong time, and I know this one is entirely optional.  But am I going to avoid baby showers for the rest of my life?  When does it get to the point when I just have to jump back into the fertile world?  (No matter how much it hurts.)  How do I know when enough is enough, and when I really am supposed to just “get over it”?



  1. (Hugs)

    I am very sorry you’ve been having a rough time lately. IF is a pain.

  2. It seems to me that it’s not so much about getting over it as it is learning to live with it. It’s always there, even after you adopt. But one day you’ll hear talk about a baby shower or hear a baby crying, and it will hurt but not so much that it ruins your whole day-maybe just an hour of your day. And the next time it might only hurt for a few minutes. I don’t think you can force it, though. Grief has its own timeline and it seems like forcing it only makes it come back up again later. I understand not wanting to wallow in it, but it hasn’t been that long for you. I doubt you’re wallowing.

    Along those lines, you don’t need to jump back in to the fertile world. It’s fine to ease in. My first baby shower after our final IVF was one of my best friend’s showers. I would not have gone to any other. I wanted to go to hers so I did. I knew she wouldn’t be doing any goofy games and there was going to be another IVF veteran there and a friend waiting to adopt. It was a safe place. If you want to go to your coworker’s baby shower, then you should. Otherwise, wait until another one comes up. We all know there’s always another baby shower coming down the pipe.

  3. I say the same stuff to myself all the time… and it doesn’t help me at at all:)

    On the baby shower front, one of my former bosses, and IF veteran gave me the advise to pick and choose your battles. For her, she has chosen to avoid baby showers – as in always. It is too hard. She prefers to do lunch with the mom and baby on her own time.

    I am trying to find ways to not miss out on the things I really would be loving to do if IF never happened to me.. I don’t want infertility to take any more away from, so I go to the events that fit that category. Anything that sounds like something I ‘should’ go to but would probably not be sad about missing if infertility wasn’t in my world, well I pass on it. Just cuz it is super hard for me, doesn’t mean I have to prove that I can do. I am trying to teach myself that there is strength in drawing lines, saying no, making some boundaries, being realistic about what I can get done.

    Take care of yourself and thanks for reminding me that I am not the only one trying to do paperwork while crying at work:)

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