catching up

Saturday, April 11, 2009

It’s been about four months since my last post, so this will probably be a random update post.

My husband and I have stuck with the decision we made in December: we’re done trying to get pregnant and we’re going to work toward adoption.  I went through about two months of extreme grief – crying all the time, feeling like I was going to break into a million pieces, “knowing” that life would get better but not being able to see it, feeling like I couldn’t breathe… the works.

I knew I wanted to go through the county I live in to adopt from foster care.  We don’t have the money right now for international adoption or domestic infant adoption, and I’m so tired of waiting.  Plus I work with foster kids, so I feel like I have at least some idea of what I’m getting into.  (Yes, I know being a parent for a foster child is VERY different than being a therapist for a foster child, but at least I have a general idea of issues we might face.)  Our county foster care program had pre-licensure classes scheduled, in the town I live in, in February.  I signed us up for the first class- just to get more information.  I had no intention of doing the whole series; I didn’t think I was ready to move forward with adoption.  The first class was wonderful though, and I came away from it actually feeling some hope.  So we decided to do the rest of the classes.

Before we can get licensed to do foster care, we need to take a couple classes in May, and we need to move.  The house we’re renting is going to be sold, and we need a house with more bedrooms anyway.  So we’re looking for a house we want to buy.  I also need to decide how much risk I’m willing to take with having a child placed with us.  We could say we only want a child who is already legally freed for adoption, but that would probably mean waiting longer, and it would decrease the chance of getting a baby.  I really want a baby.  But if we agree to take a child who will potentially be reunified with their parents, or who might be placed with a relative, then I might have my heart broken.  Again.  Plus, with doing foster care, we won’t have any idea of when we might get a child.  It will likely mean that one day we don’t have any kids, and the next day we do.  All of a sudden.  That’s a little overwhelming to think about.  I know this is the path I want to take, I’m just not quite ready to jump in.

I’m still dealing with the huge loss of not being able to be pregnant.  This month it has been even worse, because it’s my birthday at the end of the month.  And I’m turning 30.  I never thought I would hit 30 and still not have any kids.  We started trying to get pregnant when I was 26.  And last year around this time, I told my husband I wanted to do an IVF cycle by the time I turned 30.  And that’s obviously not happening.  As soon as April started, the sadness became so much more intense.  Not as intense as it was in December, but probably close.  Last Wednesday someone brought their new baby to work for show-and-tell; I literally spent the rest of the afternoon crying.  And last Thursday I started cycle number 46.  (Yes, I’m still counting.  Probably another sign that I’m not ready to foster/adopt yet.)  I’ve had 45 chances to get pregnant.  And 45 times that it hasn’t happened.  And it’s not going to happen.  No eggs + no sperm = no baby.  So that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but it’s close enough.

I haven’t changed my mind about our decision to give up trying to get pregnant.  Not once.  But it’s still not an easy decision to make.  And there are so many reminders in everyday life, of what I have lost.

There have been good things too though.  The woman who runs the foster care program for my county has been really supportive.  I have a few people in my life, including my wonderful husband, who take the time to listen, who acknowledge my pain, and who are willing to just be there through all of my tears.  My family has been very supportive of our decision to adopt from foster care.  And I do have some hope again.

And I’m going to Dis.neyland for my birthday.  I love going there, I haven’t been for eight or nine years, and my husband has never been.  And I need the escape from reality, in a place where I won’t have much time to think.  Not to mention the fact that it gives me something to obsess about until then.  My poor husband is going to be tired of Dis.neyland before he even gets there!  I know there are lots of little kids at Dis.neyland; I have every intention of ignoring them.  And I’m at least prepared for it, so I won’t be caught off guard.

Anyway, that’s where my life is right now.  Hopefully it won’t be another four months before I post again…


One comment

  1. So glad to see an update from you….

    I’m glad to hear you are beginning the adoption process and feeling some hope again. Letting go of the pregnancy dream is not an easy one to do. I can very much relate to your grief. I just wish it were more predictable. I start to think I’m okay with things sometimes and then out of nowhere I am so pissed off and sad all over again. I think it is a process we just have to keep moving through until the episodes become less frequent and there are more good days than bad. I know we will get there, but it’s okay to just be where you are right now.

    Enjoy your b-day at Disneyland. I really hope it is the “happiest place on earth” for you that day. (-;

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