I think . . .

Friday, December 12, 2008

that we’re done trying to get pregnant. 

We kind of decided last week. 

A lot of things went into the decision, but it feels like the “right” decision to both of us.  It’s not the decision I want to make though.  I hate feeling like I need to be responsible.

I’m not coping very well.  I’m heartbroken.  And I have been hesitant to tell people, because I don’t want the “support” of someone trying to give me a list of reasons why I don’t have to give up (I know people mean well, I just don’t think I can handle that right now).  I have met SO many wonderful women who have gone through infertility, but most of them have gotten pregnant.  I don’t know many women who have had to face the reality of never knowing what it feels like to be pregnant.  I know it’s a huge loss, and it makes sense that I’m having a hard time, but it also feels like it doesn’t really count- they don’t exactly make sympathy cards that say “I’m sorry you can’t get pregnant.”  I still have to go to work, I still have to get everything done.  I still have to pretend to be normal and at least moderately happy.

I hate this.  How can something hurt so much?



  1. It’s going to hurt. And I can’t promise that it will ever go away. To be honest, I doubt it will though I’m confident that the pain will eventually dull to the point of being tolerable.

    ((hugs)) I know this is going to be a rough time for you and if there’s anything I can do, please let me know.

  2. In order to accept that you will never be pregnant you need to go through the grieving process. And honestly, I don’t think there’s ever a real end to all of it. My DH and I have moved on to adoption and we’re excited about becoming parents that way soon. However, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt me to see pregnant women sometimes or hear a BFP announcement from a coworker. I worried that meant I wasn’t moving forward, but then I heard from adoptive mothers who say they still feel the same pangs and wonderings even though they are completely in love with their children.

    Never having a biological child is an enormous loss and it can be incredibly isolating. As you said, most women who experience infertility do get pregnant. Even though you all walk the same path for a while, pretty soon it feels like you’re walking alone. For me, it’s been great to get to know adoptive mothers since they’ve usually had the same experience (and since adoption is what DH and I have chosen to do). I know your heart is broken now, but I hope healing starts for you soon. ((hugs))

  3. Huge hugs, hun. I know that wasn’t an easy decision to make. Our hearts and our heads seem to want to go different directions when it comes to IF. Only we can know what is right for each of us.

    Never experiencing pregnancy or having a biological child is a huge loss. Keep grieving and getting it all out. I am not sure a loss like this is something to ever get over, but I hope some day you are able to find some peace.

  4. (((HUGS))) This is a hugely difficult decision to make (& I know, having made it myself). I too hated people urging me not to give up. There comes a point where you know it’s the right step, even if it does hurt like hell. I will always miss not having a (living) child… but I do NOT miss infertility treatment in the least!!

    I’m not sure whether you’ve decided what your next steps will be — adopt, try for a surrogate or live childfree. But the loss of that dream of pregnancy & a biological child IS a loss & it needs to be grieved. It’s not something you ever really get over, but you do eventually get to a point where it becomes a part of who you are, & you learn to live with it. (((hugs)))

  5. I just wanted to stop by and give you big cyber ((hugs)). I can only imagine that it is going to be very sad and very difficult for some time. My situation is somewhat different, but I did have to grieve never again carrying my own baby when we decided to pursue surrogacy. I’ve cried and cried. It’s only natural as you are going through a traumatic loss! Grieve and do what you need to do to get through this. Hugs and strength are coming your way!

  6. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. This is a loss just like any other and it will take time to grieve. Just know you have lots of people thinking of you!

  7. coming over from L & F.
    In your heartbreak you are not alone. I too had to come to that decision (well it was made for me when they told me it ain’t ever going to happen) and that pain, that deep heart wrenching I just never ever want to get out of bed pain, well i felt that, and I felt like a freak, i felt responsible, I felt like life would never ever be better and I’m here to say that it did get better, that it did take time and that mourning that loss was important. WE all go through our own journey and I’m here if you need me.
    tkae care

  8. I have a friend who came to that decision. She said it’s like she is mourning unborn children. Just like mourning, it take a while to heal.
    Wishing you a rightful grieving over this difficult decision, and may you soon find peace in your heart about all of this.

    here from LCFA

  9. I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry. This is such a huge decision and a brave step. I’m sorry that you have to make such a big choice.

    We’re here for you if you want to process all of this.

    And I really hear you when you say that you’ve got to keep on going with life – going to work, breathing in and out. I can’t imagine how painful it all is, I wish I could give you a big hug.

  10. It’s a tough decision to make, and I’m sure you will revisit it over and over. I know I do. You just get sad less and less frequently, and the sadness rights slightly less deep. It hasn’t stopped for me yet. I still get sad about it all the time.

    Hang in there. You’re not alone.

  11. Sharing my experience, FWIW.

    After 1 IVF and 1 FET, both resulting in miscarriages and bringing intense pain and grief into my world, I knew it was time to throw in the towel. We’ve since adopted our daughter and I can tell you that I never (seriously, never) even think about those very dark days anymore. I don’t grieve the loss of potential bio kids – how could I with the most magnificent child ever living in my house – and I thank the heavens every day for the path that led us to her. I shudder to think that if we’d been successful with ART that we would not have our little one. I know sometimes people feel sorry for me for not giving birth to her – but sometimes I feel sorry for them for never having the experiences I did when I was entrusted with my daughter.

    I’m telling you this not to blow smoke up your skirt but to tell you that there can and will be brighter days ahead wherever your path leads you. It’s just tough going until you get there.

  12. It will take time and you will grieve but there is life and laughter after this decision. We made the decision to remain a family of two and I thought my world had ended. Today while there is still the occasional hurt, we are in a better place.

  13. You are not alone. I wish there was some sort of comforting wisdom to tell you. As you know, the grief is not linear. Nor is the feeling of being done. It comes and goes, gets easier and then harder again.

  14. We are in the midst of the same thing. It’s heartbreaking and it sucks! Honestly, I feel like a huge failure and nobody understands but my internet friends. We are all here for you!!

  15. I’m so sorry. We have moved on from TTC as well, and yeah it hurts like hell! Wish I could say something that would help, but as we all know…


  16. I am very sorry. (Hugs)

  17. I am so sorry that you’ve come to this decision. i don’t know if you are a reader, but there is a book I found written for people in your situation that might help – it’s called Pink for a Girl: What Happens When Getting Pregnant Doesn’t by Isla McGuckin. She also has a Blog – pinkforagirl.blogspot.com.

    Maybe one of those, or another resource will help you to deal with your grief and move forward when you are ready.

    In the meantime take care of yourself and don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s not an easy decision but maybe in time you will feel more comfortable with it.

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