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Energy crisis

Monday, September 29, 2008

The last few days I have been realizing just how much energy goes into “keeping it together”.  I have been sick since my last post- cramps and the flu all in one day, how lucky can I be?  And with having the flu, I have had absolutely ZERO energy.  Meaning that the teensy-tiny bit of energy I have had (okay, I guess that’s a little more than zero) has been used for things like getting out of bed, getting another glass of orange juice, moving my laptop from the bedroom to the couch, and pushing buttons on the remote control.  No leftover energy for keeping sadness and bitterness in check.

I had two major meltdowns over the weekend.  Two.  Major meltdowns.  Sobbing uncontrollably for an extended period of time, collapsed on the floor, absolutely no rational thoughts whatsoever.  I’m sure anyone going through infertility knows the type.  Both of the meltdowns started from arguments with my husband but quickly deteriorated into “I’m never going to have kids”  “I must be a terrible person who doesn’t deserve to have kids”  “My husband would be better off with someone who actually has eggs” . . .

All of the irrational thoughts that I normally try to ignore (with at least moderate success).  Apparently more energy goes into that than I realized.  And apparently having the flu is no better for my mental health than it is for my physical health.

I’m starting to feel better, so hopefully I can divert some of the regained energy back into controlling the infertility madness.  If not, it’s going to be a very long week at work.

Sigh.

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5 comments

  1. I know that sobbing on the floor experience too. I know about rinding out your eggs are possibly AWOL. I’ve been wondering my whole adult lives whether I’ll ever be able to have kids.

    I have no advice. In my case, things are feeling better at the moment, but I know that can change. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Good luck with your week!


  2. I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling like this. And yes, I can totally relate. Those meltdowns are severe. I’m also sorry you’re sick!! Sorry about the flu! I always tend to be more emotional when sick. It’s as if you don’t have the strength to put on your “happy face”

    Sending you lots of love and hugs


  3. As I stated before, most people do not have to endure infertility purgatory. Most people get to progress. That forward motion is SOMETHING. IMO, it is a lot harder to stay sane and hopeful when you feel like you’re not making any progress towards a baby and the clock is still ticking so loudly. What I have found most helpful is to look at the world RIGHT NOW only. As in, yes, I don’t have a baby RIGHT NOW, but someday I hopefully will. Someday in the not-too-distant future, hopefully we will be able to have forward progress again. Just not RIGHT NOW. And that’s ok because not much in life happens RIGHT NOW. Try not to think to much about the future. About the possible “never”. Try to focus on the fact that your story is as yet, unfinished, and that is ok. You’re just living the here and the now and you’ll deal with the future as it comes. See what I mean?


  4. Huge hugs. I’m so sorry you have been feeling like this. I know that sobbing on the floor feeling all too well. I hope things are on the up swing now. Sending you strength and hugs, my friend.


  5. Hi there … just wanted to see how you’re doing … everything ok?



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