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Another extended absence

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I’m not doing very good at this whole blogging thing.  I feel like all I’ve been thinking about lately is work, but maybe I needed the break?  My depression has been better,I’m back on all my meds so I’ve been at my normal level of mild depression.

I think I’ve been doing a lot of processing the last few months.  After our miserable attempt an an IUI cycle, I hit that point of hopelessness, helplessness, and desperation.  Trying to decide if we should just “give up” and move on to adoption, or if we keep trying (which means more waiting, and I’m so tired of waiting).  I was feeling like I *should* give up, but couldn’t get myself there.  I think I’ve decided that I need to go through one IVF cycle before I can move on- I can’t give up when I haven’t really even had a chance.  I really don’t even expect IVF to work for us, and I still don’t know when it’s going to happen, but it’s something I need to do.  Is that terrible?  That I want to spend $15,000 on something I don’t expect to work, just for my own peace of mind?

I recently hit the 2 1/2 year mark of trying to get pregnant, and completed my 36th cycle.  I’m so tired of all of this.  The sadness, anger, and bitterness, being hopeful and hopeless at the same time, the constant reminders of what I don’t have, the uncertainty, and the intensity of all the feelings.  But there’s no way I could go back to not wanting this.  I’ve realized that I can actually relate to (sensitive) fertile women more than I can to my friends who don’t want kids right now, for whatever reason.  There’s something about that longing for a baby, once you get there, I don’t know if you can really go back.  My friends who aren’t in that place don’t really understand why this is so consuming.

In some ways I’m feeling more alone right now than I have at any other time in this journey.  I’m not actively doing treatment. I’m in such a different place from all of the “newly infertile” ladies- they still have hope that treatment will work.  It seems like most of my non-infertile friends are tired of hearing me complain about the same thing over and over again, and even if they ask about it, I don’t know what to say- it seems like I’m just stuck in the same place.

I’m getting to the point where I wonder if I need to not let other people’s pregnant bellies and babies bother me so much.  I know that would make my life easier, but it also feels like if I did that, it would be a sign of surrender.  Kind of like one more step toward giving in, giving up.  I know the two things aren’t really connected, but at least when I have to deal with the sadness and bitterness I know that I’m still fighting.  And that I still have at least a little hope.

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2 comments

  1. I’m so glad to see a post from you again. (: Thanks so much for your sweet comment. I really think we should have started with a less honest type of seminar. Your experience is reassuring.

    I’m sorry things have been so rough. I completely understand about needing to do an IVF cycle even though the hope is virtually nonexistent. I think we need to pick what our “closure” step will be at some point and move through it that way. IVF#3 will be our closure if CCRM will take us.

    I wish you didn’t have to feel so alone right now. Some parts of this journey are ones where we get stuck and have trouble really relating to anyone. Keep processing your thoughts here. I promise there are plenty of us out here who can relate.

    I see pregnant bellies for 5 full work days and I still have trouble looking directly at them. I try to just keep it at eye contact. I don’t think it is giving up by not letting them bother you. It is a way to find some peace while still working through the rest. Whatever it takes to make it through.

    Huge hugs. Don’t stay away so long this time, okay? (:


  2. I totally understand. I call this place IF-Purgatory. At least in IF-Hell there is hope for escape. But in IF-Purgatory you’re stuck in a holding pattern. It is a place where hope hides, waiting for a reason to be set free. And that’s a sad, lonely thing. At least there is good company here though. 😉



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