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Where to start . . .

Sunday, June 22, 2008

It has been almost a month since my last post.  I guess I’ve been a little depressed.  And I’ve had so much internal processing going on, I don’t really even know how to get it all out.

I made it through my first injects/IUI cycle.  I started the injects 5/30; 225iu Repronex days 3-5, 150iu Repronex days 6-8, trigger day 9, IUI day 11, luteal phase: 9 days; started my period last Tuesday.  We had almost no sperm, so I pretty much knew it wouldn’t work.  Now we’re back to waiting.  Again.  I’ll send my husband to do another semen analysis in a month or so and see where we’re at.

I’m down one medication (it’s been about 5 weeks now).  I don’t think it’s going so well.  I’ve been pretty depressed the last couple weeks.  With lots of negative thoughts.  Of course all of that could be related to everything else going on in my life and have nothing to do with the medication I’m not taking.  Who knows.  I’m so tired though.  I just want a break from everything.

I’m starting to wonder if maybe I should give up on trying to get pregnant.  Maybe it’s not supposed to happen.  (There are a few different reasons I’m starting to think that, and I’m sure I’ll write about them later.)  Just thinking about that possibility is killing me.  I feel like I’m going to break into a million pieces.  And there isn’t anything that I, or anyone else, can do about it.  I just have to keep going.

My husband got mad at me last night when I got upset about something little.  He told me that I can’t handle anything.  I told him that I am handling SO much.  All of this stupid infertility stuff, making it to work everyday, helping him with some of the things he needs to do, doing some things around the house . . .  I think I’ve said all that before, but I guess he actually heard it this time.  It was so nice having someone acknowledge how hard this is; having someone be at least a little aware of the daily struggle that goes with infertility.  I apologized to him too- I hold it together all day long for everyone else, he really does get the worst of it.

Anyway, I’m going to try to come out of my hole now and rejoin blogland.  Thank you to everyone who left me a comment in the last month.  All of the comments have helped keep me going.  I’m going to work on returning comments (and getting caught up on my regular reads) during the next week or so.

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6 comments

  1. Hey hon. You know I’m always there if you want to have lunch. I know you have a lot going on and I don’t do enough to be present there for you. I’m sorry everything has been so miserable for you. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

    Lots of hugs your way!!


  2. I know how it feels to just need to ‘quit’ everything in your life that isn’t absolutely necessary. Welcome back, though 😉


  3. I’m sorry things have been so hard lately. You sound a little hopeless right now, but I hope that if IVF is still a potential avenue for you, you can find a way to make it happen.

    I’m glad you’re back onboard with the blogging. (I should take some inspiration from you!)


  4. I’ve missed seeing you around!! Huge ((hugs)), hun. I’m sorry about the IUI and that you have been so down lately. This journey is so sucky, but know that we are here for you all the way. I hope you can get it all out here and let us offer up some hugs and support. Hang in there.


  5. I’m sorry about the struggles you’re going through on this journey … I so get the depression … the feeling like I take on so much (when really I can barely handle a thing – the emotional weight is so heavy) … I hope you’re able to come out of your shell a bit, back in blogland and on ff so that we can lift you up.

    Good to see you again.

    Hugs,
    Polly


  6. You said you’re starting to think that it isn’t “supposed” to happen. I don’t think there is any “supposed to”. I mean are people who get Cancer “supposed to” die? Are the crack whores of the world “supposed to” have kids? Are the people whose spouces cheat on them “supposed to” be sad? There is a fucking LOT of randomness in the world. Some of it’s good and some of it’s bad. But very little of it is “supposed to”. Quite the contrary, it just is.



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