Laptop woes

Monday, May 26, 2008

My laptop is just over 4 1/2 years old, and it is on its last leg.  The connection to the screen is getting finicky and so half of the time when I open it up and turn it on the backlight for the screen doesn’t come on.  Which means a very dark screen.  So I have to close the lid, push it down in a couple places, and hope that the screen lights up when I open it again.  Sometimes it does, sometimes I have to do that three or four times before I get light.  Very annoying.  And I have no idea how long it will be before it completely dies.  So I need a new laptop.

There is a laptop that I have been wanting for over a year now.  It’s a tablet and I think it would help make getting paperwork done at least a little easier.  Plus it’s fairly small and would be much easier to carry around- a nice benefit, since I take my laptop with me almost everywhere.  My husband is supposed to get his last financial aid check in the next month or so.  And we were planning to use some of that money to buy me a new laptop.  The one that I’ve been wanting forever.

Except now I feel like I can’t buy it.  Because we’re going to need that money for a shot at getting pregnant, for a chance at having a baby.  $1400.  Probably a little less than 10% of what we will need for one IVF/ICSI cycle.  How can I put a new computer over a baby?  But it’s not fair.  I want my new computer.  And I’m mad, darn it!  On top of mourning the potential loss of my ability to even get pregnant, I’m mourning the loss of a stupid computer.  I know it sounds ridiculous, and probably very selfish.  And I know that a big part of being a parent is having to make sacrifices for your kids.  But I almost never spend money on myself.  And I’ve really been looking forward to that laptop.  And it shouldn’t cost anyone $15000+ to even have a chance at getting pregnant.

So I’m having a major pity party for myself.  It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s NOT FAIR!  And I’m feeling very bitter about the whole situation.  And I know I probably need to just get over it.  But underneath all that, I’m TERRIFIED that I’m never going to be pregnant.  Completely and absolutely terrified.  And I think the bitterness and anger are easier to cope with than the terror.

I want my computer. 😦



  1. I get the same way – if I can’t have a baby, I want something! I am acting very spoiled lately.

    And I am starting to get the same feeling about never getting pregnant. For a while I could justify it and tell myself that it hadn’t been that long, and it will happen for us soon. But that voice in my head is getting smaller and smaller. And less convincing.

    I am so sorry.

  2. I’m sorry too. So often I find myself feeling frustrated because of all the things we haven’t done or haven’t bought because of IF. Sometimes I feel as though our lives have been put on hold for 2 years. I also feel your pain about the laptop. Ours has been dying a slow death. First the screen went, so we bought a separate monitor. Next the space bar went, so we got a separate keyboard — kind of defeats the purpose of having a laptop! But since we actually don’t move it around much it’s not such a big deal — but the desk is very crowded! 😉

  3. I meant to comment on your Clomid-induced grumpiness post, and have been reading regularly, but something inside is keeping me withdrawn…not only from other people’s blogs, but from my own, too! So I wanted to de-lurk for a minute to say hi, give you a virtual hug, and just say that I’ve been relating so much to everything you’ve been writing lately.

    The computer issue made me laugh; that’s been a big thing in our house lately, too. My husband actually saved up for months to buy his new Mac, and he loves it. We also splurged on a bicycle for him so he can ride to work. It’s a tough thing. We’re always worried about money, too, and are also absolutely unable to afford IVF without increasing our debt to a horrifying degree…On the other hand, life is more than this damn infertility experience…

    G’s interviewing for a job in a state with mandated infertility coverage, but there are still enough loopholes in these mandates that we can’t be sure that IVF will be covered by the insurance…Still, it’s the best hope we have at this point.

    Just had to check in show some solidarity…I’m hoping for a happy ending for you and your husband–and for all of us in this boat!

  4. Since you wanted to replace your old beat up lap top for over a year and is basically a necesity; there is nothing wrong with getting it. I truly believe that it will make you believe that it is possible to get something. I am sure you are the kind of person that has always taking life as it comes and make your way but sometimes you can get something by asking. Maybe your husband can get a second job this summer or work overtime making all this money strictly baby money. Ask him; maybe it will make you feel better and get the ball rolling in the right direction.

  5. I know what you mean about your laptop. Mine has become permanently affixed to my body over the last few months. I would be manic if it wasn’t working.

    You are right, no one should have to pat $15,000 for a shot at having a baby. It’s very frustrating! I will hope that a money fairy will bless you with enough for both. (It can’t hurt to dream right?)

  6. You don’t sound selfish. You sound like you need a new computer. 🙂

    Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day.

  7. It’s not ridiculous at all to feel this way. I hate listening to all my friends/co-workers talk about going on vacation this summer knowing that we can’t afford to go anywhere once again this year. IF sucks. Insurance companies suck. Not getting your computer sucks. ((hugs))

  8. What you’re feeling is totally normal.

    I have my moments of wanting to buy something too, but hey, that money could have gone into this IF-baby..

    Yeah, I agree with Lost in Space. Insurance companies suck. Y don’t they acknowledge that it is a disease – a disease of the reproductive system!

    So, have you looked at models yet?

    I am eyeing the MacBook Air. 🙂

  9. Via NaCOmLeavMo…
    I’d say you should get the laptop. Another shout going in for a mac, though I wouldn’t go for the air, though that’s a personal choice!

  10. (here from NaComLeavMo)
    As someone that knows a heck of a lot about having to save and save to try for a shot at trying to get pregnant I can say that all of the sacrifices made are pure hell. I haven’t had a hair cut or new pair of shoes in years.

    But I could NEVER survive going through the process without my computer. Having access to the support is huge. Life saving even.


  11. Here from NaComLeavMo. You can’t deny yourself everything. If you need your computer to keep your life lines going, then I say get it. I agree that it shouldn’t cost anyone that much for a shot at getting pregnant, it is just too big a burden.

  12. Greetings from NCLM. I think it is completely reasonable for you to get a new laptop. This is relatively small change compared to your big looming purchase, and it would afford you a great deal of happiness. Also, perhaps you would consider getting a less fancy laptop if you feel bad about the money- my sister just got a perfectly reasonable HP for $800, although I don’t know what your processing needs are.

  13. I cannot stand ins. companies. I have no idea how they can put a price on the ability to have a chance to start a family. Luckily I live in NJ where is mandated – under certain circumstances anyway… I think you should buy the laptop and find other ways to save. We are saving for adoption and I have stopped buying napkins and paper towels and now use towels and cloth napkins. I walk when I can to save on gas. I do some odd jobs. I have also done some fund raising by having demonstration parties – a lot of the reps will take the free stuff you earn and give your their cash commission for the same amount. I had a few yard sales and sold a lot of stuff on e-bay and craig’s list. Or if you need the money for IVF right away, you can save money for the computer a little later. Good Luck! Here from NCLM.

  14. Visiting from NCLM and I agree that a computer is a necessity in this day and age. The price you’ve quoted is very reasonable and it sounds like you can even deduct part of it as a business expense.

    The sacrifices we have to make just to do something that most people get to do for free – well, it’s a difficult pill to swallow. I’m at the point that it seems positively unnatural that babies can be made without a doctor’s visit and lots and lots of meds. Huh? Weird!

  15. Here from NaComLeavMo. I’m sorry that this decision even needs to be made. By your mention of financial aid, I assume your husband is a student – could you get hooked up on a student rate for a new laptop?

  16. i agree it shouldn’t cost anyone 15 grand for a mere chance to get knocked up, those prices are CRAZY (my ivf cycle cost 5 grand,, prices in canada are way cheeper). Sorry to hear about the crazy ivf costs…

  17. I say buy the laptop. It will help keep you sane while going through treatments.

  18. I never had a computer at home until last summer. That being said I swear I’d die without it now. Of course, since I bought it it’s been in the shop for repairs for 5 weeks (the disk drive wouldn’t play anything) and it’s just started doing this funky thing where the pointer won’t follow what I tell it to do with the touchpad… happened once before and fixed itself a couple weeks later… good thing I opted to buy the mouse.

    Stupidhead computer!

    I hope you find a way to get your baby AND your new laptop.

  19. hi here from NCLM
    sorry about not getting your computer..yet and the cost of IVF.
    Ours is a little subsidised in Australia. It is so unfair it is so expensive for people to undergo fertility treatment as if it is a luxury.
    Take care. I wish I had something more comforting and earnest to say about the terror. I felt it too.
    warm regards

  20. (here from NaComLeavMo)
    Insurance companies suck big time! Ours preapproved us then changed our policy 3 weeks later! You are right, it shouldn’t cost anyone 15,000 to have a child. HUGS

  21. Here from NaComLeavMo. Random thought if you’re in the U.S. (not sure where you’re based…) — use your handy dandy tax stimulus refund/subsidy/attempt-by-Congress-to-buy-votes check to buy the laptop. That should almost cover it, and that money is “meant” to feed the economy anyway — buying the laptop is your patriotic duty (LOL) and you still have the financial aid check for the fertility treatments.

  22. Of course it’s not fair. I don’t think there’s a single good thing about being infertile (I mean, aside from all the lovely people you meet on the internet). It’s scary and awful and soul-deadening.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope that things get easier for you soon.

  23. Hope you get your computer soon!

  24. I’m sorry. You are right about the insane cost of a chance to get pregnant – no one should have to pay that. I notice you haven’t posted in a few days. I hope your computer hasn’t given up the ghost. Right before NCLM – bad timing!!

    Here’s hoping you can have the baby AND the computer. 🙂

  25. I agree, it is not fair! It should not cost us money to have a baby! And I am sorry you have to decide between another drugged cycle or a computer. Boo!

    Here from NaComLeavMO

  26. so, any news on the laptop front?

  27. I’m so sorry that you even have to be in a position where you have to choose between the two. I think it’s absolutely reasonable for you to be upset at the loss of the laptop, when everything else is so uncertain.

    Here from NCLM.

  28. Hope you get your computer fixed soon. Looking forward to an update.

  29. Hi from NCLM 🙂

    I totally could have written this post! We are gearing up for our first IVF cycle next month & every time I think about buying something for myself (no matter how big or small) I remember that we are saving & that it will be so worth going without whatever I want.

    It sucks.

    Hopefully in the end, you will get your baby & a new laptop! 🙂

  30. If you’re having a pity party, I’m bringing the cake. 😦 It is NOT selfish to want something to come easy (and free) and want to spend your money on something you want now. Most people never have to spend a dime getting pregnant and get to buy all sorts of fun stuff, while people like you and me have to budget and wonder how much this next cycle is going to cost us. It’s not fair!

    Good luck with both things, the baby AND the laptop. I hope you are able to get them both.

  31. I feel your pain! I hate having to make those choices that most other people don’t have to make – trip or cycle; laptop or cycle; free time or cycle – it totally sucks!


  32. I’m so sorry. It sucks that we can’t just make a purchase like a normal person without always factoring in how much it takes away from a potential shot at pregnancy. It just sucks. You deserve to buy yourself a laptop.

    (via NCLM)

  33. One of the things my DH has drilled into my head is that we can’t put our entire lives on hold waiting for things to work out. If you need the laptop, get it. It may set you back a little in your quest for IVF, but at least you’ll be able to deal with the pain of the extra time you spent on the laptop by blogging about it, at least, and getting support. The satisfaction at living your life and keeping yourself sane while trying to achieve a family will beat the frustration over spending the money. Good luck to you!

  34. Here from NCLM. No IF issues here, but I can absolutely relate to the “IT’S NOT FAIR” thing and will even go so far as to admit to having uttered that on a daily basis for, oh, the past few weeks? In case you were wondering, I have a lot of health problems, and didn’t realize they were genetic and autosomal-dominant, and now have two kids with SOME health problems and one kid with a TON of health problems. And to have to think of paying such a sum for even a CHANCE of getting pregnant makes me ill. I’m so sorry; I wish I could give you my fertility, but without the whole genetic doom thing. Or at least a nice new laptop. It’s NOT fair.

  35. I’m with ya 110% on that one sister!

  36. Hope you get a new computer soon!!

  37. I just finished talking with my bff about this very thing. how is it possible that ivf is cheaper than adopting, yet neither one we can afford because we’ve tried so many times that financially we can’t take it.

    it’s awful. we want another child, more than just one more. to give a loving home to, to change diapers, teach to throw a ball, or take to dance lessons.

    i want that new comp too– yet, i sit and think it’s frivi because of the other bigger wants…

    ARGH! 🙂

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