Can I blame this on clomid too?

Friday, May 23, 2008

This week I think I’m averaging about an hour of crying per day.  Between depression and infertility it’s not completely unusual for me to have periods of time when I’m doing a lot of crying.  But an hour a day? For five days straight?  That’s way more than I’ve cried before.  So I’m blaming it on the clomid.  And telling myself next cycle will be better.  It will be better, right?

I have way too many stressors (sorry, therapist talk) in my life right now.  WAY too many.  I’m sooooo behind on paperwork for my job.  We have no money and things keep coming up to eat away at the little we do have (like needing a new alternator for one of our cars last week).  My husband is so stressed about trying to get things finished for school that I feel like I need to take care of everything else by myself.  Oh yeah, and we had another fantastic appointment with the RE this morning.

The first time I had my FSH checked it came back at 14.  Scary.  We met with the RE and my attitude was basically “we’re screwed, right?”  The RE wasn’t convinced (hence the clomid challenge test) and seemed to have more of a “let’s not panic yet” attitude.  So we went back today, to review the results from the clomid challenge test.  And the RE’s attitude was “there’s a good chance you’re screwed.”  He didn’t say that, of course.  And he’s more than willing to let us try at least one injects/IUI cycle.  And then we’ll have a better idea of how well I respond.  But when he reviewed our options, donor eggs and adoption were both on the list.  Nothing like that to instill hope.  Hearing your RE say you might end up needing to adopt.

I know we can “always” adopt.  And if we did, I know I wouldn’t have any problems loving my kid(s) or thinking of them as truly being mine.  But . . . I want to be pregnant!  I’ve wanted to be pregnant since I was in high school.  And if that isn’t going to happen it’s going to be a huge loss for me.  There’s a very real chance that I will never see a positive pregnancy test (unless it’s right after a trigger shot).  I might never get to know what it feels like to *know* that I’m pregnant.  To be terrified that it won’t stick.  To excitedly wait for an ultrasound appointment and get to take home “pictures” of my baby.  To have to deal with morning sickness, aches and pains, and clothes that keep getting smaller.  To know that, by some miracle, there is another life growing inside me.  To have that automatic and deep connection with my child.

Our current plan?  Next Friday my husband and I get to take the injections class.  And I call the first day of my next cycle to schedule an ultrasound.  And then I start injects.  And pray that my ovaries respond the way they’re supposed to.  And we at least try IUI.

We have to figure out how to come up with money for IVF too, since the IUIs aren’t likely to work.  I would like to be able to do an IVF cycle by the end of the year, before my ovaries completely fail me, but we’re barely getting by right now so it’s going to take some creativity and lots of discipline (something neither I nor my husband have very much of).

I know life isn’t fair, can I maybe get a break from the reminders?



  1. I don’t know if this makes you feel better, but I haven’t been able to wear mascara this week because I can’t stop crying long enough. Sometimes I am not exactly sure what I’m crying about. So you’re not alone.

    I was watching Discovery channel last week and they were talking to a woman at her first OB appointment, telling her the estimated due date, looking at the heartbeat and giving her the dos and don’ts for a healthy pregnancy. I sat there watching thinking about how I never got to do any of those things. It made my whole body ache.

  2. Oh, E. You have so so much on your plate right now. I have been through those weeks/months too. When we learned IVF was most likely our only hope, I cried everyday for a couple weeks and then again after it failed. I convinced myself that it is better than holding it in. When things hurt what else can you do?

    I think it is great that you are moving forward with the injects/IUI. Don’t rule it out yet. Even with my elevated FSH, my RE told me if I was younger he would want me to do a couple IUIs before moving to IVF. You really do still have a shot at this.

    I hate that the financial aspect is what has to hold you back. It is so unfair and makes me so angry that this stuff isn’t covered by insurance. Are there any studies you could look into anywhere around your area?

    Huge ((hugs)) to you, my friend.

  3. Couldn’t help but tear at your post cuz it reminded me of how desolate we were and how lost we still are. It’s alright to cry, cuz it means we’re only human and the pain that we’re going through is very real.

    Big hugs and positive vibes coming your way. I can’t take away your pain but I promise you, that somehow, someday, there will be a resolution for all of us going through this.


  4. (((hugs))) I’m sorry you are in such a scary and unsettled place right now. So many big decisions and unknown factors. For myself, I sometimes wish for a look into the crystal ball to know how will all turn out, but most of the time I’m too scared to look even if it was in front of me.

    You have every right to grieve how hard this process is on you and your dh. It is just so random and unknowable, and there is always a chance that treatment could work. I surely hope it will for you.

    I hate that the finances become such a consideration and stress in this process. Did you know that INCIID (inciid.org) has a “scholarship program” where they will fund IVF’s etc.? YOu have to write an essay or a letter or something, and send it in. An internet friend (incidentally w/ high FSH) applied and won it, that’s how I know about it.

    Wherever your path takes you, please know you are not alone. And you will be in my thoughts & prayers.


  5. I hope you have some loving friends and family nearby to give you the hugs and love you need! Sometimes life can be so unfair. Its difficult because we are surrounded by stories with happy endings, and then its seems so very hard when our own stories dont always work out that way.

    But please be careful that the life you do have does not slip by un-noticed because you are fighting so hard to get the life you wish you had!

  6. Yes, clomid made me an emotional wreck! It literally made me a crazy person! Ugh! I took it for two cycles and then I just had to get off of it…

    Good luck!

    Happy Friday!

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