Can’t sleep

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

It’s really late and I have to get up really early, but I can’t sleep.  Someone broke into my car today at work and I’m still a little freaked out about it.  The neighborhood I work in isn’t that great, but overall I’ve felt safe there.  If I’m the last one leaving and it’s dark I usually call my husband and talk to him while I walk out to my car, but I go in by myself on the weekends and a lot of the time I’m the first one there in the morning (yes, I work way too many hours).  And now I’m not so sure . . .

Whoever did it pulled out the handle on the passenger side door and was apparently going for the stereo but they couldn’t get it out (they did a good job messing up the whole panel though).  They ended up taking some random things (calcium chews and a couple of burned cds???) as well as my registration and insurance cards.  So, as my mom so nicely pointed out, this person has my address.  Which is making me even more freaked out.

Over the last few months I’ve been discovering that the more stressed I am the more paranoid I become.  Seriously, some of the things I worry about are a little ridiculous.  Like thinking that an overpass might fall on my car when I drive under it (it could happen).  Or that someone is going to break into our house.  Or that when someone gets raw meat juice on the counter and doesn’t clean it up right away that we’re all going to get food poisoning and die.  Terrible, isn’t it?  At least I’m aware that they’re not really worth stressing about (even though I stress anyway).  And none of them have actually affected the way I do things.  So I’m not totally insane.  But it has been interesting to watch.  I think half of the time the rational part of me just sits back and watches the irrational part of me totally overreact to things.  I’m not so sure the rational part always has the power to intervene though.  But being aware of my “issues” is a good first step, right?

It doesn’t help that I’ve been pretty depressed the last few days.  I swear, one of the meds I’m taking totally switched around my moods during my cycle.  I used to be exhausted and more depressed before my period, now I’m fine during that week but I totally crash the week before I ovulate.  This change started right after I started a new medication last November.  Being the good internet junkie that I am I did some research.  It turns out that the estrogen in birth control pills makes this medication less effective.  So my hypothesis is that when I have more estrogen in my system (before I ovulate) the medication doesn’t work as well.  And I tend to crash.  Hard.  So I get to increase one of the other meds in my drug cocktail to see if that helps.  Treatment resistant depression is great fun!

I know I’m totally rambling, I have that ability late at night, but I suppose I should *try* to get some sleep.  Since I have to wake up in four hours.  Yuck.  I’m making my husband drive my car tomorrow (and make all the phone calls- police report, insurance company, etc.) because I don’t think I can deal with the reminder all day.  Plus I don’t want someone else to try to break into it, now that it would be so easy to do (with the already broken door handle).  Hopefully we’ll be able to get it put back together and all fixed up quickly and then I can move on.



  1. “I think half of the time the rational part of me just sits back and watches the irrational part of me totally overreact to things. I’m not so sure the rational part always has the power to intervene though.”

    OK this is TOTALLY me! I don’t have depression issues but I am totally paranoid by nature. Sometimes I’ll have a really strong, irrational emotional response to something I’ve totally fabricated in my head and even though I REALIZE that I’m upset about a fictitious event, I still can’t stop being upset. Sooo annoying.

    Also, for what it’s worth, I thought I might tell you that over the last 6 or 9 months I have noticed that I have HUGE emotional swings in the days leading up to ovulation. Something about the surging estrogen and LH and then switching abruptly to progesterone makes me a madwomen. Even more so than the progesterone crash that causes PMS. Again, sooo annoying.

  2. Freyja- I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s crazy 😉

  3. Sorry about the break-in. That totally sucks. I am right there with you on the irrational thoughts. The things I say out loud will get a “Seriously, that’s what you think about?” reaction from my DH. The rest I know should just stay in my head. I think this might be where 90% of my anal-retentiveness comes from – irrational fears. Hmmmm. You are not alone.

  4. Uh oh. Worrying about overpasses falling is ridiculous? Because I think about it every time I drive under one.
    Saw you on Lost and Found and thought I’d say hi – I am also working on saving the impossible amount of money for IVF/ICSI due to MFI.
    I’m sorry about the break-in. I live in the ghetto where our cars are broken into and our air conditioner was stolen, so I totally understand that feeling of being vulnerable. I recommend mace.

  5. I’m a worrier, too. Overpasses falling, bridges/underground parking garages/tunnels collapsing…they all could happen! I completely understand.

    Talk about irrational thoughts, if a loved one is late coming home or fails to call at the appointed time, I never think “well, they must be having so much fun they’ve lost all track of time,” I think “Oh my God, they’re dead-in-a-ditch somewhere.” I know, I know…but I can’t help it.

    I, too, found your blog through Mel’s Lost and Found. I hope you’ll keep at it.

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