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Depression sucks

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Last week I noticed I was really tired- like exhausted, can’t get out of bed, don’t want to do anything tired.  It’s the kind of tiredness that usually goes along with my being depressed.  Toward the end of the week last week I kind of realized that.  And I thought to myself, “Wow, I’m completely exhausted and I’m NOT depressed.  Maybe things are getting better.”  Wrong!  I kind of got slammed with the depression on Sunday.  I was on the worship team at church last weekend and I made it through the whole first service doing just fine.  And part way through the second service I was crying.  And I have absolutely no idea why (okay, there are lots of things in my life that I could cry about, but none of them seemed to be the immediate cause).  I cried on and off during the service.  I cried Sunday night.  I cried Monday night.  I actually made it through most of Tuesday without crying.  On Wednesday I learned that I can do paperwork and cry at the same time (it’s a really good thing I have my own office and I can go in there and close the door). 

I honestly have no idea what triggered the depression.  Infertility?  Stress at work?  Family stuff?  All of the above?  It’s not anything new- I go up and down a lot.  I could almost be bipolar except that my “normal” is mildly depressed and my “manic” is probably about normal for everyone else.

My journey through severe depression that began about 10 years ago was hard.  Really hard.  I’m still not all the way through it, but I think the worst is over.  And as sad as it is, that journey is the reason I know I’ll make it through infertility.  Infertility has been just as hard, if not harder, than that time in my life.  Very different struggles, but each carries so much pain.  I really do feel like I’ve been thrown “Back into the fire” in dealing with infertility. 

I haven’t quite decided if it’s a good thing that I know I’ll get through the hell of infertility.  I see other people struggling with IF who don’t have that knowledge and I’m sure it makes it harder.  But at the same time it sucks that I have enough experience with hell to already know I’ll get through somehow.  I shouldn’t have to have that knowledge already.  And once people have learned that they can make it through the hard times it doesn’t seem fair that they should have to go through even more.

Anyway, I’m depressed.  It sucks.  But it will eventually go away, and I’ve gotten good at surviving.

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2 comments

  1. i struggle with the same type of mood swings. i always try not to call it depression, but i am depressed. i just went through the same thing this past weekend. i cried so much this past weekend and on into the week. wed at work i cried four times! today, i feel so much better. i don’t know what to blame it on but it happens on and off and really wish it wouldn’t. it does make you feel like you’re almost out of control because i know it’s happening, but i can’t change it.


  2. It’s nice to know someone else understands- although I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It really does make you feel like you don’t have much control- it just pops up. No telling when, no telling how long it will last, no telling how long it will stay away once it’s gone.
    I’m glad you’re feeling better today- hopefully it will last!



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