Can I blame this on clomid too?

This week I think I’m averaging about an hour of crying per day.  Between depression and infertility it’s not completely unusual for me to have periods of time when I’m doing a lot of crying.  But an hour a day? For five days straight?  That’s way more than I’ve cried before.  So I’m blaming it on the clomid.  And telling myself next cycle will be better.  It will be better, right?

I have way too many stressors (sorry, therapist talk) in my life right now.  WAY too many.  I’m sooooo behind on paperwork for my job.  We have no money and things keep coming up to eat away at the little we do have (like needing a new alternator for one of our cars last week).  My husband is so stressed about trying to get things finished for school that I feel like I need to take care of everything else by myself.  Oh yeah, and we had another fantastic appointment with the RE this morning.

The first time I had my FSH checked it came back at 14.  Scary.  We met with the RE and my attitude was basically “we’re screwed, right?”  The RE wasn’t convinced (hence the clomid challenge test) and seemed to have more of a “let’s not panic yet” attitude.  So we went back today, to review the results from the clomid challenge test.  And the RE’s attitude was “there’s a good chance you’re screwed.”  He didn’t say that, of course.  And he’s more than willing to let us try at least one injects/IUI cycle.  And then we’ll have a better idea of how well I respond.  But when he reviewed our options, donor eggs and adoption were both on the list.  Nothing like that to instill hope.  Hearing your RE say you might end up needing to adopt.

I know we can “always” adopt.  And if we did, I know I wouldn’t have any problems loving my kid(s) or thinking of them as truly being mine.  But . . . I want to be pregnant!  I’ve wanted to be pregnant since I was in high school.  And if that isn’t going to happen it’s going to be a huge loss for me.  There’s a very real chance that I will never see a positive pregnancy test (unless it’s right after a trigger shot).  I might never get to know what it feels like to *know* that I’m pregnant.  To be terrified that it won’t stick.  To excitedly wait for an ultrasound appointment and get to take home ”pictures” of my baby.  To have to deal with morning sickness, aches and pains, and clothes that keep getting smaller.  To know that, by some miracle, there is another life growing inside me.  To have that automatic and deep connection with my child.

Our current plan?  Next Friday my husband and I get to take the injections class.  And I call the first day of my next cycle to schedule an ultrasound.  And then I start injects.  And pray that my ovaries respond the way they’re supposed to.  And we at least try IUI.

We have to figure out how to come up with money for IVF too, since the IUIs aren’t likely to work.  I would like to be able to do an IVF cycle by the end of the year, before my ovaries completely fail me, but we’re barely getting by right now so it’s going to take some creativity and lots of discipline (something neither I nor my husband have very much of).

I know life isn’t fair, can I maybe get a break from the reminders?

Responsibility

Sometimes having to be responsible really sucks.  I got a positive OPK this morning.  Of course.  It actually made me laugh- it just fits so well with everything else going on in my life right now.  And I just don’t feel like I can miss work at all tomorrow for an IUI.  So we’re waiting until next month I guess.  I know that was the right decision to make, but I’ve still been feeling sad and disappointed all day. 

I had an all day training for work today.  A lot of it was about what it really means to empathize with someone and how important that is when working with clients.  Feeling their pain, taking time to understand and to let them know you understand.  One of the good things about all the crap I’ve gone through is that I really like being able to do that with my clients.  It doesn’t scare me like it might.  I know I made it through my own intense pain; I have no doubt that I can hold my clients’ pain and help them get through it.  That’s one of the things I love about being a therapist.

The bad part about the day?  They showed this music video:  The Eleventh Commandment.  I work with kids who have been abused everyday.  Sometimes I work with parents who have a history of abusing their kids.  I can do the empathy thing when it’s on an individual basis.  Taking each client as they are and accepting that.  But this video is a much broader view of child abuse.  And that, combined with my disappointment about not doing IUI this month, started the tears and the “Why God?”  Why is it so easy for people who are going to abuse their kids to have them?  It’s so not fair to those kids.  And why are there so many people who desperately want kids and would be good parents that can’t have them?  It’s not fair for us either. 

And the clomid saga continues

I felt pretty much the same today as I did yesterday- spacey and dizzy.  At least it wasn’t worse than yesterday, right?  (Definitely more hot flashes today though.)  The problem with being dizzy and spacey is that I have to drive for my job.  A lot.  And I’m kind of thinking I *shouldn’t* be driving while I’m feeling like this.  So I talked to my supervisor today (who has been wonderfully supportive, drove me home yesterday, and drove me to and from work today) and we went and talked to HR.  Now I’m waiting for a letter from my RE saying that due to “medical reasons” I have to be in the office and sitting for the rest of the week.  Basically I’m grounded.  This would be a really nice opportunity to get caught up on paperwork but it’s a little hard to do paperwork when my mind can’t hold onto a thought for more than a few seconds.  It took me four hours this afternoon to do a couple of things that should have taken less than an hour and a half.  I could call in sick, they gave me that option, but I figure even if I’m not very productive at work I’ll still get more done than I would if I stayed at home.  It’s a little strange not driving anywhere.  And having to find people to drive me around.  It keeps life interesting, right?

Have I mentioned that I’m not taking clomid again?

Not much going on or too much going on

I’m not quite sure which. 

On the infertility front we’re just waiting.  My husband did another semen analysis yesterday (no results yet) and got his hormone levels checked again.  He stopped taking clomid a couple months ago and all of his hormone levels (FSH, LH, testosterone) have dropped down to about where they were before he started the clomid.  I started a new cycle today (yipee) so I’ll go on Monday to check FSH and estradiol again.  And then we go see the RE on Friday.  It will be good to talk about what are options are but I’m kind of dreading it too.  We just don’t have the money to do IVF right now.  And with my FSH levels so high we need to.  I think I’ve been avoiding thinking about that too much because I’ve been waiting for the appointment.  After Friday I’ll probably be a lot more stressed about it.

Money.  We’re having a hard time with that right now.  Bills are still getting paid, but we just barely have enough to live on after that (especially with gas prices!).  My younger brother is living with us and is *supposed* to be helping out with rent but he’s been unemployed since January.  So that’s income we don’t have right now.  My husband is trying to finish up school- which involves an unpaid, 25 hours/week internship.  So he’s working nights on the weekend.  He’s killing himself with all of the back and forth between days and nights.  He’ll finish his degree by June and should get a “real” job (translation: a job that pays well) starting in August or September.  We’re so used to living on a shoestring that once he gets that job we should be able to save a significant amount every month which is how we were going to save for IVF (we have no extra money to save right now).  But that might not be soon enough now.

Speaking of my brother- he’s incredibly depressed and going downhill.  Earlier this week I took him to the emergency room because I was worried he was suicidal.  Once we got there he took off on foot (the hospital we went to is close to his at-the-time-ex-girlfriend and a lot of his friends).  The police were called.  His friends were called.  About an hour later the police *apprehended* him (complete with put your hands in the air and a pat down) and brought him back to the hospital where he was placed on a hold until he could get a pysch eval.  The people who do the pysch evals won’t talk to anyone who is intoxicated and my brother was at least slightly drunk so he was there overnight.  My parents and I went home around 2:30am and I actually managed to go to work the next day.  Anyway, the psych eval guy said my brother wasn’t actively suicidal (which was true at that point- 10 the next morning) and so they couldn’t admit him to a hospital.  He was referred for county mental heelth services which have a waiting period of at least 3 months.  Great.  So he’s still living with us and I have a feeling this is really only the beginning.  Hopefully I will be proved wrong on that one.  Right now he’s back together with his girlfriend so things have been okay.  But they have a very dysfunctional “on again, off again” relationship. 

And work.  I’m so behind on paperwork.  That’s actually what I should be doing now, instead of writing this novel.  I SO wish I could figure out how to stay caught up, but it never happens.  One of the medications I’m taking is for ADD.  It helps me a lot with being able to get things done but I’ve also lost a lot of weight since being on it.  Most of the weight was okay to lose since I gained about 20 pounds from taking a different medication.  But I’m at the point where I’m really close to being underweight and even though I’ve been trying to eat more I haven’t gained any back.  I’ve read a couple things online that have said having a low BMI can *possibly* cause high FSH.  So that worries me.  Plus, I’m just not very healthy.  So I’m wondering if I should stop taking this medication for a while.  But I’m also worried about how that will affect my ability to do my job.  So that’s another thing on my mind.

I guess maybe I have too much going on.  Maybe I’m just so overwhelmed that I’m running on automatic and it almost feels like there isn’t much going on.

Getting things

So a couple of months ago I asked work if I could go to a job-related training.  They said “sure”, as long as I was willing to come back and give a mini-training on what I learned.  I absolutely HATE talking in front of people, but I really wanted to go to the training so I just figured I’d deal.  Yeah, nice thought.

As long as I’m “baring all” in this blog I guess I might as well go here too- the training was about suicidality and self-harm.  Been there, done that.  For both.  Not part of my life now, but they definitely left their mark.  So now I’m trying to work with someone to put together a fairly objective training about a topic that is anything but objective for me.  And it’s harder than I thought it would be.  It’s really making me go back and revisit that time in my life.  One of the things the trainer said (specifically about self-harm) is that it’s important to communicate to clients that you “get it.”  Not condone, but at least understand.  And it got me thinking- how many things do I “get” because of my experiences?

I get the intense and overwhelming pain that would lead someone to hurt themselves.  I get feeling worthless and invisible.  I get feeling unloved.  I get feeling betrayed.  I get how much strength it can sometimes take just to make it through another day.  I get not wanting to deal with things.  I get that life isn’t fair . . . in the least bit.

Dealing with infertility has only added to my list.  I get loss.  I get extreme sadness and grief.  I get anger.  I get bitterness.  I get wondering if dreams will come true.  I get wondering what will happen if they don’t.

In my journey through depression I learned how to feel.  Infertility is teaching me how to have all of the intense and painful feelings and not fight them.  To actually feel the sadness and let myself cry and be okay with that. 

I would never even begin to think that I understand everything my clients go through, or that their experiences will exactly match mine, or even that I’ve been through as much trauma as many of them.  But thanks to depression I understand being in pain.  And thanks to infertility I’ve learned to be much better at holding other people’s pain.  And I guess all I can do is hope that makes some difference. 

I have a love/hate relationship

With my job.  I truly love what I do (I’m a therapist and right now I’m working with kids/teens).  I like being able to feel like I’m making a difference.  I like being able to support the parents and teach them about whatever problems their kids are having (ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc).  And I love getting to have that deeper conncetion with people on a regular basis.

But the paperwork . . . the paperwork is kicking my butt!  I work for a non-profit agency and all of our services are MediCal funded.  Which means lots of documentation.  LOTS of documentation.  And being a little (maybe more than a little) ADD myself, staying on top of the paperwork and getting myself to stay focused long enough to get it all done is sometimes impossible.  So I have no life.  Because I’m spending all of my time trying to get caught up at work.  I’m tired, I’m very burned out on paperwork, and I really want my life back.  I’m hoping that next month will be better . . .

The other hard part about my job is that occasionally the kids I work with have much younger siblings (i.e. babies) AND most of the people I work with are at a *reproductive* age.  Right now we have two ladies out on maternity leave (both have of course brought their babies into the office for show and tell).  And I’m starting to think that someone else I work with is pregnant (and she already has two little kids!).  It’s horrible having something that everyone else is SO happy and excited about be something that makes me so sad.  I’ve gotten good at hiding out and avoiding.  And my supervisor knows about our IF and has been VERY understanding about how hard it is for me to be around other people’s babies.  So that helps.  But still- one baby in the office and there’s a good chance I won’t get much else done for the rest of the day.  *sigh*