Anger, part 2

Thank you everyone, for the comments.  It’s always nice to have the reminder that I’m not alone.

As I’ve been spending more time thinking about this, I’m realizing that a big part of the problem is that I don’t know how to express anger in general.  I’ve been doing some journaling about all of it.  I’m not usually into writing poems, but that’s what I ended up with  this time.  They might be kind of dumb… but I figured I’d share them anyway.  (Gotta love the anonymity of blogging.)

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I hate this crushing pain.

Feeling like I can’t breath.

I hate the black hole inside my heart.

Sucking me in.

Leaving nothing but emptiness.

How do I express the anger?

Where do I even begin?

If I start to let it go, will it overcome me?

Will I completely lose control?

Will I lose myself?

It’s easier to sink into the pain.

To give in.

It’s easier to feel dead inside.

Numb to it all.

Feeling exhaustion instead of anger.

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I’m mad because

So many people can get pregnant

So many people think it’s easy

So many people give unwanted advice

So many people don’t even try to understand

I’m mad because it’s not fair

I’m mad when I

Hear about other people’s babies

Am told about yet another person who is pregnant

See baby pictures on Facebook

I’m mad when I have to pretend it doesn’t bother me

I’m mad at

Baby showers

Maternity stores

Ultrasound pictures

Pregnancy test commercials

I’m mad at the reminders that are everywhere

I’m mad because I have to

Do things even when I feel like I’m being crushed by all the heartache

Deal with the sadness and grief and depression

Cope with the invisible pain

I’m mad because I have to somehow continue with everyday life

Anger

I was talking with someone today.  I was telling her about how I spent last Thursday evening in tears.  Almost the whole evening.  I even cried myself to sleep.  (My eyes were so puffy when I woke up Friday morning – I looked AWFUL.)  I guess all of the sadness just hit me.

And then I told her about having breakfast with my mom the next morning.  I love my mom, and we’re really good friends, but she can be a little clueless with the baby stuff.  I made a “bitter infertile” comment to the person I was talking with about how I really don’t need my mom to tell me that a kid I babysat for is now pregnant with number two.  (Really, I don’t.)

This person caught the anger in my voice and asked who/what I’m mad at.  I told her I’m mad at life in general.  She commented that it seems like I usually skip over the anger part, and go straight to the sadness and tears. She said maybe it would be good for me to express some of the anger.

It’s true that I skip over the getting mad part.  I grew up learning that anger is a scary thing.  I can calmly say I’m mad at life, but actually express that anger?  Forget it.  I wouldn’t even know how.

But maybe it’s not such a bad idea to try to get some of it out.  So I need ideas.  How do you deal with the anger that comes along with infertility?

Maybe today…

That’s what I’ve been starting out every day with.  Maybe today we’ll get a baby.  Then I spend all day checking my phone every half hour… or less.  I turn the ringer off while I’m at work, but it’s still set to beep if I get a message, so checking it all the time really isn’t necessary.  But I check anyway.  Just in case.  The way they do it here (small county) is that whenever they have a kid come in, they send out a recorded message to everyone on “the list” with basic information about the child.  And then I have an hour to call in and say I’m interested, if I want the baby.  And then they choose from the people who called back.  So checking my phone every half hour really isn’t *too* unreasonable.  Or so I tell myself.

My heart is aching for this.  I sound like a broken record, but I’m so tired of waiting.  I want to have a baby sleeping in the cradle.  I want to have my baby to hold and rock to sleep.  I want to be sleep deprived because I have to wake up feed my baby every two hours.  I even want to deal with visits and the uncertainty of whether or not my baby will stay with me forever.  Just so long as I have my baby.

Maybe tomorrow… ?

Longing and trepidation

For some reason, this weekend I’ve really had that longing for a baby.  It hasn’t been as bad since we got licensed for foster care, but this weekend has been hard.

And the fear has come with the longing.  Fear that I’m not going to be able to do this.  That I won’t be a good mom.  That I’m still too fragile after all of the wounds left by infertility.

I need to call to start the process for our adoption homestudy too… I’m even more nervous about that whole procedure.

Back on “the list”

I just found out that our paperwork went through and we’re officially back on the list for foster placements!

Yay! 

Nothing in particular

I’ve kind of been in the mood to write a post recently – kind of looking for some connection, I guess – but I don’t really have much to write about. I suppose maybe that’s a good thing?

We’re still on hold with foster care, which sucks, but what can you do?  We’re waiting for some paperwork to be processed and passed on to the licensing people, and apparently they’re running behind.  I’m SO tired of waiting, but, right at this moment at least, I’m resigned.

I think a small part of me almost expects something else to go wrong with all of this.  And a small voice is telling me that maybe all of the obstacles are really just signs that I’m not supposed to be a mom.  I can rationalize a lot of that away, but not all of it.  Some of the fear remains.  Fear that this isn’t going to happen.  Fear that maybe it isn’t “meant to be”.  Fear that I may never get to have a baby, even for a short period of time.

Work is work.  I’m exhausted, but for the time being, I’m mostly caught up on stuff, which feels good.  Now I just have to stay caught up on stuff, so when baby comes I can balance work and baby.

I suppose that means I should stop blogging, and get some paperwork done.

Work problems

I just got my yearly performance evaluation at work.  I’m getting in trouble for low productivity during the last year.  My life fell apart last December, when we decided to give up on trying to get pregnant, and it took a while to pick up the pieces (go figure).  And I was going through pretty severe depression for most of the summer and early fall.

Gee… I wonder why my productivity was low…

Too bad those things don’t really count for anything when it comes to performance evaluations.

Sadness

At work today, there was someone on their first day back from maternity leave.  So, of course, there was much more baby talk than usual.  And, of course, I felt sad.

And it made me wonder… am I always going to feel that sadness when people are talking about baby stuff?  I mean, here I am, licensed for foster care, all ready for a baby to come.  And in all likelihood, I will get a baby within a month or two.  I’ll be able to join in those conversations soon enough.  But I’m still sad.

I know I will probably always feel some sadness when it comes to other people’s pregnancies; I expect that.  But what about the baby talk?  Am I going to continue to feel sad after I have my own baby?  Or am I just going to jump right into the conversation, like any “normal” mother?  I know I will never be a completely “normal” mother.  Not after infertility.  Not being a foster mom.  But I should be able to blend in fairly well.  I wonder though… will the sadness still be there?

Putting things off

One of the things I don’t like about myself is that I tend to procrastinate.  A lot.  I genuinely want to get stuff done, and I want to be on top of everything… but it just doesn’t happen.  Getting myself to go from *wanting* to do something to actually *doing* it is like trying to jump over the Grand Canyon sometimes.  I’m going to blame depression and ADHD, but I’m sure some of it is just me being lazy.

So we’re on hold for getting a baby until mid-January, but that’s only 2-3 weeks away.  There are a ton of things that I really should try to get done before then, because I know they’ll be almost impossible to do after we get a baby.  Paperwork is the biggest thing – I’m really behind on things at work, and I have to get caught up in the next couple weeks.  I know how to do what I need to do, it’s not anything hard, but actually doing it… it’s much easier to put it off then to force myself to do it.  I get to the point where I actually have anxiety about sitting down to work on it – since I have “failed “to be productive SO many times, now  every time I try to get started on things I worry that I’ll just “fail” again.  And that just feeds into the avoidance and procrastination.

I made a “Before baby” list tonight of all the things I would like to get done in the next couple weeks.  Now I just have to get myself to do them.

Anyone want to give me a good kick in the pants to get me moving?

Ready… Set… Wait.

Something came up last week, and now we’re on hold for foster care again.  We should be able to get back on “the list” sometime in the middle of January, so it’s not too bad, but still…  It’s always something, isn’t it?  This whole journey has been like this, I almost expect it now.

March, 2006: Finally start trying; I had been waiting and waiting for my husband to agree to it.

January, 2007: Visit Ob/Gyn and get a referral for the fertility clinic (it hadn’t been 12 whole months of TTC, but it was 12 cycles).  Wait until March, 2007 before we can actually get into the orientation to start with the RE.

March and April, 2007: Go through basic testing and wait for that first appointment to get the results back.

July – October, 2007:  Wait to see if clomid will help increase my husband’s sperm count.  Then wait for an appointment with the urologist in November.

November, 2007 – March, 2008: Wait to save up money for IVF.  I asked to get FSH tested in March…

March – May, 2008: Get back FSH results; wait to repeat the test in April; wait to do the clomid challenge test in May; wait to talk with RE about “options”.  (This was probably the worst waiting period out of our journey so far.)

June – December, 2008:  Wait to save up money for IVF.  With extra pressure to do it soon.

February – July, 2009: Wait to buy a house and move (I didn’t want to get licensed, move, and have to go through the whole home inspection all over again.)

August – November, 2009: Submit foster care application; wait to get licensed.

And now we wait again.  It feels like every step forward we take is followed by a waiting period, but I guess that’s true for so much of infertility.  Kind of Really sucks.  And I know that once we’re back on “the list” in January, we’re still going to have to wait to get “the call”.  But at least I’ll feel like I’m moving forward again.  Instead of stuck.

What’s the worst waiting period you’ve had to go through?